My next husband will be different. That is what I tell my current husband, Sweet Cheeks. I usually tell him this in lieu of throwing objects at him, or hurling obscenities because I do like to think that I am a civilized being. Unfortunately, I have been known to do both, but in my defense it was only a glass of water.
Sweet Cheeks is a truly wonderful man. But living with anyone for 31 years can make you wish, sometimes, that you possessed an …, well I dare not say it – lest he be found one morning with a logging implement imbedded in his forehead and forensic technicians collecting evidence of a heinous act that would surely be blamed upon me. Anyway, I digress.
1. My next husband will have long legs. Long enough so that each pair of slacks purchased will not require hemming.
2. My next husband will KNOW things. Like, for instance, that I bought him a Kindle for Christmas because that is what I WANTED for Christmas. I cannot fathom why he has not figured this out. He will know the difference between a head of lettuce and a cabbage. He will know how to fix things. Anything and everything, but in particular a good margarita. He will know more than me about plumbing, computers, and dog care. He will know when I need a hug and when I need, um, other “stuff”.
3. My next husband will actually USE the knowledge that he has without being asked. Repeatedly asked.
4. My next husband will understand that there is nothing even remotely redeeming or endearing about spending all his waking moments watching sports, reading about sports, reminiscing about sports, or fantasizing about sports.
5. My next husband will not keep in his possession a photo of himself and his life-long best friend that makes me question not only his, but his friend’s sexuality.
6. My next husband will not share with houseguests the above-mentioned photo, taken during a cruise, and especially not BEFORE before showing a photo of us (as in he and I) taken during the same cruise.
7. My next husband will drink coffee – he will know how to make it, he will know how I like it, and he will know not to talk to me until he has served it to me, preferably in bed.
8. My next husband will not snore. Ever.
9. My next husband will sleep in another room if he chooses to snore (see #8) or rejects the use of the prescribed CPAP machine because he will understand that a rested wife is, to put it delicately, a less-bitchy wife.
10. My next husband will love fruits and vegetables of all kinds and he will prepare them enthusiastically as he will be responsible for all things food related.
My next husband — I think I hate him already. I’d give it six months, tops.
The other thing that I like to tell Sweet Cheeks is “my last husband did exactly that same thing……”