Today my very intelligent dog, Shelby the Wonder Shepherd, will be answering a few questions from the mailbag.
How can I know if my husband really loves me. I mean, I know he says he does, but he also tells me I’m not fat, so how can I believe him?
Sleepless in the Sunshine State
Mom? Is that you? Really, you have to hover over me on my first assignment like some kind of helicopter? Jeesh…I should have known. We don’t even own a mail bag.
Since you asked….
Remember when we went away for 7 weeks and then Dad had to go to work before we made it home? He left you that banner that said Welcome Home? I know it looks like a post-it note, but he did use 2 exclamation points. That’s love.
Doesn’t he always tell you that the roses you buy for yourself each week, from Al the Flower Guy, are pretty? Doesn’t he keep his comments to himself about how he could have bought a six-pack with that money you spend on the roses each week? That’s love.
Doesn’t he eat your homemade soups every day, day after day, without complaining? That’s love.
Doesn’t he get frisky every time you are exhausted, sweaty, irritable or busy reading, writing, ironing or talking on the phone? Showing interest in someone who isn’t the least bit agreeable to it – that’s love.
Doesn’t he keep the gas tank filled in your car? Sure the cashiers at the filling station think he’s adorable, thoughtful and has a cute butt. Sure he buys himself a couple extra lottery tickets, a 20 ounce and 3 Snickers bars while he’s there (and takes it out of your spending money). That’s love.
And most importantly, doesn’t he keep your dog’s poop cleaned up in the yard? That is REAL love, baby.
The true test, though, as Cher will tell you – it’s in his kiss. You know, the kiss he gives you every morning, every evening, every time he leaves the house, every time you leave the house, every time he passes you in the house, at every stop light in the car, every time you stop moving and even when you don’t? It’s in his kiss.
I think my wife is having an affair with Al the Flower Guy. How can I find out without following her to the flea market where she claims to be buying roses each week?
Suspicious in the Sunshine State
Dad? You two are pissing me off.