(Re)Negotiating Our Marriage Contract

It’s August, kids.  You know what that means.  Yep, time to renegotiate the marriage contract before the anniversary next month.  While my friends are used to my joking about renegotiating another year on the marital agreement with the old ball and chain  my beloved, not everyone seems to think it is a necessity.  I think a lot of couples could benefit from some serious negotiating.  Sure it isn’t easy, but the rewards could be enormous.  After all – no one really knows what you want or need, unless you tell them (especially those with a Y chromosome).

In the early years, the negotiations might go something like this:

Sweet Cheeks:

I want sex at least once a day.  I’ll need 2 nights a week out with my friends (after which, I would like that day’s ration of sex).  I would like you to sit with me while I watch baseball, basketball, football and hockey.  I will give you a pass on golf.  I will need you to learn the rules of these games so that we can discuss the on-screen action.  I will need to keep a portion of my earnings for my own use.  I will need to be excused from all shopping excursions.  I will need you to attend all my company outings, parties, and functions even though I refuse to attend any of yours.  I need you to stop nagging me about my health.


I would like you to at least wake me up before sex.  I would like you to watch your sports in another room, and I will not be learning any rules, nor discussing said sports.  I will need to keep a portion of my earnings, as well as yours, for my own use.  I would like you to accompany me on all shopping excursions, but I will not ask you to hold my purse.  I will attend as many of your work functions as you do mine.  I need you to listen to my advice about your health.


See, there’s room for compromise here.  Then, after a decade or two:

Sweet Cheeks:

I would like sex at least once a day.  Instead of 2 nights out a week, my friends will be coming to the house all weekend for prolonged sports watching, scratching, crude jokes, and belching.  I will need a portion of my earnings, as well as yours, for our beer and snacks.  I’m not going to the mall, but you and kids can go as often as you like.  I will give your “unrelenting PMS” as an excuse for your absence from my work functions.  I will verify any health advice you give me with my doctor, and once he/she confirms that you are right, I will only listen to him/her.


Go ahead and let me sleep through sex, I need my rest.  I will join your sports watching buddies and drink your beer and eat your snacks because I know it annoys you.  My girlfriends and I need the house for poker one Saturday night a month, during which you will be responsible for finding or providing child care at a separate location at least 10 miles from the house.  I will give “explosive diarrhea” as your excuse for not attending any of my work functions.  I will refrain from saying “I told you so” when your doctor confirms the medical advice I gave you, especially about that little melanoma incident….


See, still adjusting our demands and making concessions…And this year:

Sweet Cheeks:

I would like sex every day and a prescription to make it happen.  I need you to keep your voice down during the sporting events I am sleeping through. I’d like you to go out with your friends more so I can sit around in my underwear.  Neither of us will attend any work functions and we will both use “death in the family” as our all purpose excuse.  I need you to give me health advice because I want to be here with you a long time.


I will be replacing at least 1/2 of your little blue pills with a placebo. I will let your sleep through your televised sporting events if you will let me sleep through my favorite programs.  I will need you to switch to boxers if underwear is going to constitute your entire wardrobe for the day.  Agreed on the “death in the family” excuse.  I will be happy to give you health advice, and even nag you, because I need you around for a long time.

See, nothing to it.  Guess we’re probably good for another year.



Filed under General Mumblings, humor, Uncategorized

29 responses to “(Re)Negotiating Our Marriage Contract

  1. I.

    *dies from the sweet/funny/truth of aging love*
    You will be together forever and I wish you the best.
    Always laugh – always banter – always be individuals who share a life with each other (rather than pretending you have one life only and then trying to split it into two parts of the same whole…that never works for long)
    Great post – I wish you the best in all things,

    • Thanks – I am so glad you loved it. It was, of course, tongue in cheek, but I do believe in negotiating your wants and needs. I think we’d all like it if our significant other could just “know” what we need, but that just doesn’t happen. Each year there are fewer and fewer things to even “pretend” negotiate.

  2. This is an example of what I want in a relationship. This kind of communicating and understanding of each other. I’m in love with your marriage.

    • Sharon – we do have a lot of fun together. It has been some very hard work at times, but definitely worth the effort. I have been very fortunate to have a wonderful guy who loves me unconditionally and puts up with my snarkiness. In fact, I’d say he enjoys it.

  3. Hmmm-anniversary coming in October. May need to consider this. You have provided some very valuable options here.
    I have visited you from the Idiot’s site. Love your stuff.

  4. No wonder you two are still married! Although I’m sure it was all meant to be tongue-in-cheek (not a pun), I think you hit the nail on the head with the re-negotiating and obviously, compromise. And good heavens — have a sense of humor! You got it girl! I’m envious.

    • Thanks, Mouse. I’m pretty good at the negotiating. When I wanted a dog, I first demanded a horse. Getting him to agree to a dog was easy after that.

  5. i loved to read this, so funny!

  6. Hilarious–explosive diarrhea is the best excuse ever.

    Looks like you two have discovered the secret to a long happy marriage! I think sleep and walking around in your underwear are the two big things my husband and I have to agree on.

    • Start big, though. Demand a coma and then settle for sleep. Insist that he wear a tux at all times…then he’ll be happy that you will accept sweatpants and his ratty old t-shirts. It’s an art.
      Explosive diarrhea is, indeed, the best excuse ever. Feel free to use it often.

  7. I like the explosive diarrhea excuse. If you use it twice I’m sure people even stop asking. I’m all over that. The excuse, not the actual event.

    • Whew, your comment “I’m all over that” had me scared for a minute. The explosive diarrhea excuse is priceless – use it next time you call in sick.

  8. Oma makes a great point. Use the explosive diarrhea excuse, and folks will eventually stop asking. Yep, I’ll be using that excuse in the future. Thanks!

    This was excellent, K8. So funny and so very real. I’ll use your post as a go-by for Rob and me in October.

  9. It’s good to sit down and work out these specifics. Both of your relationship demands sound very similar to those of my wife and I.

    • Always good to see you, GG. I would recommend that you present your list of demands as soon as you return home…while your absence is fresh in her mind…or maybe even make them a condition of your return.

  10. Looks like the two of you are in for the long haul. I can’t wait to read about how you celebrate your 50th wedding anniversary!

    Loved this post–so very clever.

  11. I love it, but after 43 years of marriage i don’t think, her indoors, would renegotiate so its to late for me 🙂

  12. Masterful! Just survived 2 weeks vacash with hubsky and I thought about your said demands and such–brilliant! Can you fax me the legal particulars?

  13. Oh my. Still laughing at that one……………!! Push that bravo button!

  14. Pingback: I Did Not, I Repeat, I Did Not Have a Bad Week at Work | k8edid

  15. Excellent! Bravo! Loved it. 🙂

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