It’s August, kids. You know what that means. Yep, time to renegotiate the marriage contract before the anniversary next month. While my friends are used to my joking about renegotiating another year on the marital agreement with
the old ball and chain my beloved, not everyone seems to think it is a necessity. I think a lot of couples could benefit from some serious negotiating. Sure it isn’t easy, but the rewards could be enormous. After all – no one really knows what you want or need, unless you tell them (especially those with a Y chromosome).
In the early years, the negotiations might go something like this:
I want sex at least once a day. I’ll need 2 nights a week out with my friends (after which, I would like that day’s ration of sex). I would like you to sit with me while I watch baseball, basketball, football and hockey. I will give you a pass on golf. I will need you to learn the rules of these games so that we can discuss the on-screen action. I will need to keep a portion of my earnings for my own use. I will need to be excused from all shopping excursions. I will need you to attend all my company outings, parties, and functions even though I refuse to attend any of yours. I need you to stop nagging me about my health.
I would like you to at least wake me up before sex. I would like you to watch your sports in another room, and I will not be learning any rules, nor discussing said sports. I will need to keep a portion of my earnings, as well as yours, for my own use. I would like you to accompany me on all shopping excursions, but I will not ask you to hold my purse. I will attend as many of your work functions as you do mine. I need you to listen to my advice about your health.
See, there’s room for compromise here. Then, after a decade or two:
I would like sex at least once a day. Instead of 2 nights out a week, my friends will be coming to the house all weekend for prolonged sports watching, scratching, crude jokes, and belching. I will need a portion of my earnings, as well as yours, for our beer and snacks. I’m not going to the mall, but you and kids can go as often as you like. I will give your “unrelenting PMS” as an excuse for your absence from my work functions. I will verify any health advice you give me with my doctor, and once he/she confirms that you are right, I will only listen to him/her.
Go ahead and let me sleep through sex, I need my rest. I will join your sports watching buddies and drink your beer and eat your snacks because I know it annoys you. My girlfriends and I need the house for poker one Saturday night a month, during which you will be responsible for finding or providing child care at a separate location at least 10 miles from the house. I will give “explosive diarrhea” as your excuse for not attending any of my work functions. I will refrain from saying “I told you so” when your doctor confirms the medical advice I gave you, especially about that little melanoma incident….
See, still adjusting our demands and making concessions…And this year:
I would like sex every day and a prescription to make it happen. I need you to keep your voice down during the sporting events I am sleeping through. I’d like you to go out with your friends more so I can sit around in my underwear. Neither of us will attend any work functions and we will both use “death in the family” as our all purpose excuse. I need you to give me health advice because I want to be here with you a long time.
I will be replacing at least 1/2 of your little blue pills with a placebo. I will let your sleep through your televised sporting events if you will let me sleep through my favorite programs. I will need you to switch to boxers if underwear is going to constitute your entire wardrobe for the day. Agreed on the “death in the family” excuse. I will be happy to give you health advice, and even nag you, because I need you around for a long time.
See, nothing to it. Guess we’re probably good for another year.