FTFFT – Fingers Too Fat for Texting

Renee, from Life in the Boomer Lane, gave some great advice about never taking your cell phone out in public, lest people know you are a geezer. Unlike some of my peers, I gave up my ancient phone (you know the kind that you can make and receive calls on?  Nothing else.) I now have a smart phone, but once I take it out (provided, of course, I can remember where I last set the damned thing down), everyone knows I am a geezer.  I haven’t a clue how to use it.  Oh, I can answer it, sometimes, when I remember to slide the little green “button” to the right.  Usually I figure it out before someone leaves me a voicemail.  Which I haven’t figured out how to retrieve.

I get e-mails on my phone, allegedly.  At least it says I have 191 e-mails.  Don’t know how to retrieve those, either.  I did stop by the phone store to have someone show me how, but the 11 year old (I swear) who was working there touched the screen a couple of times, mumbled something about “pop servers” and handed the phone back to me.  The notification for the 191 e-mails was gone.  Not sure about the e-mails. And pop was never served.

I could possibly text on my phone.  The New Yorker recently published a list of text abbreviations and symbols Boomers could use in their texts.  I happen to like T4W (Time for Whiskey) and WWIS (What Was I Saying?).

The only real problem here is, I have FTFFT (Fingers Too Fat For Texting).  I recently managed to hit both the 4 and 6 when I was trying for the 5 when placing a call.  I spoke to someone in New Zealand, I believe.  The touch screen is incredibly small and is hard for me to type on while holding a magnifying glass in one hand.

Not to worry, my kids point out, I have auto-correct turned on (as if I knew how to do that).  I tried to send a message to my sons, Pancho and Lefty.  It went something like this:

Busy. Ruins evenly diy. Hit if bell. Liver yip bath. Murder.

What I was trying to say was: Boys, Rains every day. Hot as hell. Love you both. Madre.

I want my geezer phone back.


Filed under General Mumblings, humor, Uncategorized

31 responses to “FTFFT – Fingers Too Fat for Texting

  1. I was given a new mobile phone a year ago costing about £250.00 and it can do everything except walk, but i just stick to texting and phoning, i hate the bloody things.

    you can see my old phone here i think i’ll start and use it again i thought it was great and easy to use.


  2. You and I are on the same wavelength. Apparently, so is Renee. I will have to check out her blog, too. We have to stick together.

  3. Ok, twice today you’ve made me laugh!!! I reckon it’s because I know exactly what you’re talking about. Every time I try to text I have a baby in one arm and 3 other kids swarming around me and I can NEVER hit the right (button?) and the stupid phone tries to ‘help’ me by adding some random word that has nothing to do with what I’m talking about!!! Love your posts…keep em coming!

  4. amen. one of my blogs, Cell Hell, is another take on this subject .

  5. I got this message on my iPhone and immediately followed your instructions to read the link as well as all the comments.

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE my iPhone. I have some sympathy for the fat fingers complaint and confess that I am typing this reply on a full keyboard because I can think, edit and type it more easily that way.
    I am no spring chicken. I remember learning, as a 6 year old, how to tell the operator “R on our line” if I needed to make a phone call. I have no idea whatsoever if that was truly what I was supposed to say, or what it meant, but that’s what I remember.
    However, my iPhone is a life-transforming thing. Some day it will have to be pried from my cold dead fingers. I only talk about 10 minutes a month on it – it is the other stuff I love. I am happy to give pep talks to any of you that need it. I might even be able to answer a few questions. (Just don’t ask yet about WordPress blogging from it. That is still a work-in-progress, to put it mildly.) Maybe I’ll start an advice page on my blog and you can send questions. But they have to be about iPhones for old people. I don’t know anything about other phones, and my repertoire of apps is limited. Do you think Apple would pay me?

    I typed all the above on my work computer, emailed it to my gmail, ‘copied’ the text here, and I’ll post the comment from my phone. Can’t access WordPress from work but I am never far away. I am a lost soul, I guess.

    • Wow, I am exhausted just trying to figure out what you said, let alone what you did. I don’t have an iPhone, but I know people who love them. I am not a phone person. Really, even before cell phones I rarely talked on the phone. Now, I think I might even dislike it more (if that was possible). Anyway, if it’s alright with you, I’ll let them bury you with it clutched in your cold hand.

  6. I have an iPhone and love it. However, I am an early adopter (of technology). I text (although not quickly) and get emails from several different accounts – which enables me to do business no matter where I am – and I do all my calendaring on the iPhone and then have me.com do the updates on my iPad and MacBook Pro. I have unlimited web, text messaging, and calling. If not for text I’d never hear from my younger family members. I can FB from the phone and I can even update wordpress from the iPhone. I back it up regularly because my contact list with addresses is on it. If I lost it (perish forfend) and could not find it using my locate function (it has a GPS in it) I could lock it or even totally wipe the data from it to protect my confidential data. I use it to navigate when I am lost (walking) in Boston. I take photos with it (some are really very good!) and it is essential. In fact, it is my only phone.

    POP means Post Office Protocol and is an application layer used by e-mail clients to download e-mail from a server to your phone or computer. The person talking to you was talking about setting up your email on a POP-3 account.

    I don’t know what phone you have, but it is an Apple product then go to the store and one of the “12 year olds” there will be more than happy to sit down with you for an hour and help you learn it.

    • I just want to call my husband from time to time to blame him for whatever is going wrong that day. I don’t have an iPhone because, frankly, I just want A phone. I don’t want it permanently attached to my ear or thumbs. I am amazed at all that phones can do, and maybe someday soon I’ll start embracing it. Thanks for stopping by.

  7. Nothing is funnier than auto-correct. There’s a whole website devoted to its blunders. I’m annoyed that the kid at the phone store withheld “pop” from you. (You’re clearly from Michigan.)

  8. This post made me laugh so hard! I just learned to text this year and my texts look very similar to yours! I’d be in trouble with a smart phone as it would be sure to reveal just how dumb I really can be! 🙂

    • Makes me laugh, too. Unfortunately, I need to learn the features of the phone as I sometimes need to be in contact – especially with a new job. I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it, but I’m going to practice in the privacy of my own home for a while.

  9. If I did not have to coordinate my life with a smart phone I’d use something like a cheap trafone and call it good or have just a home phone like many of my friends do – with no bells and whistles of any kind. We only need to embrace the level of technology that benefits us.

    As to the auto-correct thing, it can be a PITA. You can try turning it off. I have come to a certain level of detente with the bloody thing. Certainly, damnyouautocorrect.com is a hysterically funny site.

    • Yes, hysterically funny. Thanks for sharing. Unfortunately, I believe technology will be embracing me in the form of students who insist on being in contact – so I’m gonna sit down and learn the darned thing.

  10. “I get e-mails on my phone, allegedly. ”
    That cracked me up. Actually, this entire post cracked me up. I have a love/hate relationship with phones. Fine. I just have a ‘hate’ relationship with phones. And, I believe you know this – I still have a dumb phone. I will not upgrade to smartness – it may lead to more calls and *gasp* emails and text messages! Noooooo!

  11. Oh, no, you got rid of the geezer phone! I’m feeling pretty superior to you now, for I kept mine, knowing in advance that I’d never be able to see the cell phone the pseudo-husband insisted I get. For safety, he said. Doesn’t he know that I can only answer calls? (Because I can hear it and it scares me—adrenaline leads my hands to it somehow.) I can’t make calls. It won’t let me.

    Lest you think I’m 100% geezer, o no, not at all! I have an iMac, a MacBook Air, a MacBook Pro and an iPad. I love technology and live and work on my computer. I’m actually very good at it, seeing as I earn my living there.

    But I can’t SEE the dang phone. What is it, the size of a pack of matches? Tell me how that’s gonna keep me safe?

  12. Hilarious!!! I, too, will be buried with iPhone in hand–not quite knowing how to use it but clinging to it because IT IS THE ONLY TOY I HAVE. I don’t view my car as a toy, like many men do, and shoes are so, so fun, but honestly, they just sit there. My iPhone has games and such. And infinite possibilities. The fingers thing has been rolling–I agree! WHo do they make these qwerty keypads for????? Now I just use one durn finger–my more ‘slender’ pointer one…fun post, K8edid!

    • Well, we all need toys, I guess. I have been known to read a book with my Kindle app, so I guess I haven’t totally rejected technology. And Sudoku!!! Hours spent on that. Thanks for stopping in.

  13. Val

    Yep, I know what you mean… I was quite glad when my first mobile (cell) phone died. I haven’t replaced it yet, though. Don’t really feel the need. And I never really got the hang of it… I think I may have texted about three times (but couldn’t see the letters on the keys and it kept bleeping at me which drove me bananas).

    • My boys can text faster than I could ever type, and I am a very speedy typist. I fought getting a cell phone, but hubby insisted because I had a job where I travelled a lot, by car, alone. The auto correct feature is pretty amusing, usually…

  14. You got a smartphone around the same time that I did. I adapted relatively quickly, but my husband still forces me to text (with my fat fingers) for him and looks at it suspiciously whenever he has to answer it.

  15. youhadmeathelloxp

    i love this! it made me laugh! Most people would think that since i am 15, cool, hip, and all those other things, id like technology and know how to use it rather well… but i do NOT like technology, and i dont think it likes me very well either! i have a smart phone, that isnt very smart, and facebook that consumes most of my day and starts most of the pointless drama that goes on. I wish we could go back to our dinosaur phones, and hand written letters!!! life would be so much easier!

    • Thank you for stopping by. I guess I had assumed that young people lived for their phones. I also wish we could go back to phones that stayed in one place, communication by letter or better yet, face to face.

  16. Too funny! I love my Thunderbolt but it does have it’s moments (auto-coorect is one). I love to text, mostly with my granddaughter but I do not have fleet fingers. My phone has an app that I can “talk” my texts but that comes up with some hilarious results as well. “Date-guy” (ex-husband, whole other story) is older than I am and is totally baffled by the technology of it all-yet he insists on following each update I get with one of his own. Every time he does it he says the same thing, “Wow! Your phone does that? Mine won’t!” Sometimes I wonder if I get a new phone just to see the baffled look on his face 🙂

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