Help Wanted – Depression Need Not Apply

 

Dear Depression.  Go away.  Now.  You are fired and I’m searching for your replacement.

I noticed you, all right. Sneaking up on me.  Waking me up in the middle of the night to alternately think/not think about sad things.  Homesickness.  Self doubt.  Anger.  Then whispering in my ear that I really didn’t need to get up in the morning. When that didn’t work, you started  in, encouraging me to sleep hours on end.  Telling me that I didn’t really need to get dressed.  That it was okay to lie on the couch all day in my pajamas.

“Stay with me” you whisper as you wrap me in your arms to immobilize me.  “Your friends are busy.  Your kids are far away.  Just stay here with me.  I’m here for you.”

“Forget the hobbies…sure, your hands will be busy, but you won’t enjoy them”.  Sure enough, my beads sit untouched in the studio.  I haven’t sewn in weeks and writing is the only outlet I’ve had.  Even that feels forced these days.  Instead of words flowing, they are pulled reluctantly forward, more often than not sent to the trash bin.  Not good enough – not important enough – not anything…

Exercise, I tell myself.  Proven to help with depression.  I drag my droopy ass (literal and figurative description) to the Olympic size pool in the pre-dawn hour for waterjogging – an activity I started when I broke an ankle this spring.  Laps back and forth in the dark – waiting for the sun to come up.  And the sunrise does nothing for me.  Nothing.  Me, the girl who has always enjoyed sunrise as much as sunsets.  Fresh new day, endless opportunities and all that happy horseshit.

I immerse myself in a new job, but I am distracted, disinterested, and inattentive.  It isn’t what I want, isn’t where I want to be.  I want to be on the couch with my friends, Mr. Depression, Mr. Remote Control, and Mr. CableTV.

Even my usual friend/distraction/comfort – FOOD – doesn’t do it for me.  Oh, I eat it all right, but I get no pleasure from it.  Even dragging myself to the refrigerator seems too much effort.

Oh, I recognize you, all right.  We’ve danced before.  After the birth of my first child.  After the death of my mother.  A couple of other times, including a drug induced depression from a medication prescribed for chronic pain.  I kicked you to the curb then; and  I will do it again.  So pack your sorry ass up and get on outta here, and take your apathy, lethargy and inattention with you.

I’ve got better things to do. Like living a beautiful life.

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34 Comments

Filed under General Mumblings, Uncategorized

34 responses to “Help Wanted – Depression Need Not Apply

  1. i am NOT religious by ANY stretch, but the thing i always kept repeating to myself when i was SO depressed was; “this too shall pass”…so c’mon girl…u might as well give time a little help here. very heartfelt.

  2. I’ve been there a few times and I understand. You described it perfectly. Here’s to kicking it to the curb!

    • I know that depression is a wide-spread problem – this one doesn’t feel completely overwhelming or suffocating – I’m just melancholy and immobilized. I am a nurse and should have recognized sooner what was going on, but it was just so insidious. Having identified the issue, I feel like I can start turning this bus around.

  3. I hope you start feeling better soon! Go play with some puppies. And eat some warm chocolate chip cookies.

  4. My wife is in a depression session at the minute it has lasted 3 months, at the start it was very bad but its getting over that final hurdle.

    Its as well i’m an easy going person.

    • I’ll keep her in my thoughts (you, as well). It is a dark place to be – and often those closest to us can’t really help. It is as well you are an easy-going person. You hang in there, too it is not easy loving someone who is suffering.

  5. TheIdiotSpeaketh

    I battle the same “Big D” demons myself and know everything you just described. Just know you are not alone and things will get better, hopefully very soon. I started a Depression Support Group on FB for my blog friends who also fight these issues. It is completly private and secret with no one knowing who is in the group. If you use FB and would be interested in looking in, please let me know. There are quite a few of us out here in Blogville that know exactly what you are going through. Have a good day my friend. 🙂

    (Mark G. Pakulak on Facebook)

  6. Ugh. I hate the slumps of depression. I hope naming your nemesis does give you the strength to move. Baby steps.

  7. There are so many cliches I could go with here that frustrate me and leave me cold when others say them to me, so I’ll just opt for: hang in there and know that there is always a better day ahead.

  8. I, too, am in the dark abyss once again. So far the thing that seems to work, in all my years of bipolar crashes, is to talk to someone. A lot. Not friends because it seems to add to my utter responisbility for everyone, but to a point anyway. I talk to a professional or even 2. The more often I do, the better my meds can be adjusted and the unbelievable crap that is in my mind starts to go away. Soon, that heavier than an elephant feeling starts to lighten and not just after seeing my doctor.
    I feel for you K8. I know you K8. I am sending you whatever strength I have. Keep writing. xoxoxoxo

    • Oh, Marie. I feel for you, as well. Thank you for sending your strength to me…I will send some of mine your way, too. I like the idea of talking to people (not friends, or even my husband) I do not want him to feel responsible or inadequate in the face of my melancholy.

  9. I love how you address this straight-on…..literally. Your strength is amazing. Peace.

  10. It must have felt good to write that letter to Depression. I hope Depression received it loud and clear because it couldn’t have been written more directly and beautifully.

    • It actually did feel good – what felt bad was trying to put my finger on what exactly was going on. A few bad days in a row turned into many bad days in a row (not horrible, mind you, but not good days, either). The lack of interest, sleep issues, lethargy and inattentiveness should have been red flags, but somehow I kept rationalizing and ignoring.
      Mr. D had better get going. I know now what to do. As always, I appreciate your support.

  11. This was a helpful post for me to read. I have only recently been able to identify and admit (and only to myself so far) what I have been feeling for much longer than you. It seems to ebb and flow. A few days will seem relatively better, but then many days seem to go downhill again. I like that you named it and fired it. I am not even fighting it much right now, just going along with the flow, up and down but overall down. Thanks for sharing your strength in dealing with it.

  12. Hello again, the wife went to see the doc to-day about her Depression / nerves call it what you will, shes getting better day by day.

    The doctor printed of a 40 page book for her to read and listening to her reading a few pages to me it sounds very helpful, would you like the name of it.

  13. There you are k8edid, it took me a good while to find it.
    You can print it all off theres about 20 pages.
    Let me know if you get it done.

    http://www.ntw.nhs.uk/pic/leaflets/Anxiety%20LP%202010.pdf

  14. Thank you, sir. I was not able to get it at the link you provided by did a search for it and got it that way. I appeciate it.

  15. That picture captures it so well.

    I recently wrote about kicking depression in the junk, so I appreciate your approach about kicking it to the curb. Since taking Community Property in law school, I’ve tried to apply something my professor said whenever she’d talk about being forced to take exams: “I turned my sadness and anxiety into anger. ‘I’m a good person, why do I have to prove myself to anybody like this?'” She’d use that fury to kick exam butt, and recommended we try that approach to finals . . . and life, when circumstances warrant it.

    Good luck kicking it to the curb. I’m rooting for you.

    • Deb, thanks so much for your support. Recognizing the problem and formulating a plan has brightened my outlook and has provided a measure of hope. I checked out your post and the sensitive and thoughtful comments – what a gift.

  16. I’ve been there, I’m there a lot. Keep writing. I think it helps. Very nice post.

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