It’s Not the Heat…

It’s the freakin’ hot flashes.  It is kind of like spontaneous human combustion, without the flames.

I know.   I live in a place that is nearly hotter than the surface of the sun (hey, it’s my blog and it’s as hot as I say it is).  This is Florida.  This is my outdoor thermometer…

This was before noon

Okay, so maybe I exaggerate… a little.  I also digress.  I’m having a little difficulty concentrating.

September is National Menopause Month.  Yep, a whole month dedicated to the phenomena that befalls “women of a certain age”.  Instead of stretching out my commentary over the whole month, I have decided to dedicate just one day  to a discussion of menopause.

You’re welcome.

The 7 Dwarfs Of Menopause

Jodi, over at Jodileasplace, lists 17 reasons why her man should live in fear, which looks suspiciously like the signs and symptoms of menopause.

  • Irregular menstrual periods
  • Hot flashes and night sweats
  • Disturbed sleep patterns, insomnia
  • Anxiety
  • Significant mood changes
  • Depression
  • Dry skin
  • Irritability
  • Vaginal dryness and pain with sexual intercourse
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Trouble remembering things
  • Diminished interest in sex
  • Frequent urination or leaking of urine
  • Headaches
  • Achy joints
  • Fatigue
  • Early morning awakening

I can clearly identify with 15 of the 17.  I’m not saying which ones, but I am not now, nor have I ever been irritable, damn it.  And nothing leaks out that I don’t want to leak out, got that?

The only thing missing from this list is the ever present chin hairs that seem to have sprouted. When combined with the age related loss of close-up vision, I’m surpised I don’t look something like this.

Denise, over at Just as I am blogged about the joy of chin-hair plucking….

So while I am lying awake most nights, drenched and throwing covers and nightgowns off, irritably pondering my deepening depression and dry skin, I ask myself, is there an upside to menopause?  Surely there must be something good that will come of this “change” that will be beneficial to me and the millions of women suffering experiencing this torture passage?  When I stumbled upon this little tidbit…

Chocolate (in the news a lot lately) can be beneficial for women in menopause.  That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

And this, from Time Magazine.

“…For most women, the “change of life” is not an easy one. The symptoms of menopause–mood swings, hot flashes and night sweats–can be intense, not to mention embarrassing, and in many cases they can interfere with daily life.

But there may be a healthy upside to those hot flashes, according to the latest research. It turns out that women who have these episodes in their 50s or 60s, the typical age range for menopausal symptoms, also have an 11% lower risk of heart disease over the next 10 years, compared with women who don’t suffer the same symptoms. And because heart-disease risk increases in women’s postmenopausal years as levels of the heart-protective hormone estrogen decline, this risk reduction is potentially lifesaving. Researchers don’t know why the symptoms may reduce heart risk, but they theorize that the blood-vessel activity that occurs during flushing primes the heart and vessels to combat plaque buildup and hardening of arteries.

Read more:,9171,2056704,00.html#ixzz1YEvG8WTM

Why, that’s fabulous news.  It’s almost better than actually exercising!!!

For now my plan of attack includes mass quantities of chocolate, a powerful electric fan in every room, and olive oil (not for my heart, silly, for my skin).

Who knows, maybe someday, menopause will become glamorous.

funny celebrity pictures - TWILIGHT: MENOPAUSE


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42 responses to “It’s Not the Heat…

  1. 🙂 A wonderful post, i remember them all from the time the wife went through it, eon’s ago.
    Something good at the end of it all, not really, you just keep about 10 of the symptoms 🙂

  2. I can identify with 15 of these too….and I’m not saying which ones either!! I think there are probably some I could add…don’t know if I want to go there though lol. Great post! Thanks for the mention!

  3. I can’t remember which ones…

  4. On so many levels, this is such a wonderful post. As a male, I do not envy you, or any woman I know whose menopause i have experienced first hand. You seem to be dealing with this “thing” with grace, and good humor…i hope it goes easy. and remember, your husband is an innocent bystander. continue…

  5. There are cancer survivor support groups, chemical dependency support groups, grief support groups, overeaters support groups. We are the only group of sufferers without support. I vote you as the leader, and I know that we can round up a bunch of others who need some humor and chocolate, maybe some of that alcohol and lots of fans blowing cool air on us. We can survive this horror-er, I mean-challenge.

    • Well, okay then. It is good to have a plan. Our first meeting will be held at either the north or south pole. Wait – that many menopausal women in one spot can only contribute to global warming…We’ll have to set up local chapters, and none for Texas until their drought is over. I’ll set my local meeting up in a wine cellar – that should be about the right temp.

    • Oh how I wish you were not joking! I would love a support group for menopause…my younger friends don’t get it (yet, heehee), my older friends want to Forget it…I feel so alone in this suffering.

      Thank goodness for these posts to make me laugh at this situation…its that or jump off a bridge somewhere. Thanks ladies 🙂

  6. ok I’m officially scared…. not just for me but for “sweet cheeks” too… after reading about this menopause thing….I think my penchant for cougars is gone… yeah… I’m sticking with girls who don’t know what hormones really are… I’m just a pup myself…ish… (I SAID ISH)…. lol… anyway…once I read vaginal dryness with painful intercourse, I wasn’t really thinking of the girl…I was selfish and thought of me… damn… that is wrong… why does God do these things to the object of my affections? Gotta love Him though… His work where the opposite sex is concerned is still amazing… dammit…my phone is blowing up with those amazing creations wanting something more one more time…


    • My dearest T, thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your thought-provoking comments.

      That was the reply I formulated after I took the dog for a half hour walk, drank a pot of coffee, and pulled the stick out of my ass.

      THIS is the reply I wrote before the walk, the coffee, and the stick removal. Please try not to take my comments personally. If you are going to hang with this old broad you need to have a thick skin. When you lob up those chromosomally-challenged batting-practice comments, I am going to swing for the fences. Here goes.

      Your comments are wrong on so many levels. First of all, I find your incredible preoccupation with your sexuality to be a little (no, a lot) annoying. It has always been my experience that someone who talks that much about getting laid, probably really isn’t getting laid. I hope for your sake, you are. I am thrilled for you and the “amazing creations”.

      Second, anyone who is having sex with creatures he considers “girls” isn’t probably going to get very lucky with “cougars” no matter how desperate they (the cougars) are. And certainly does not deserve to enjoy the pleasures of a woman whose body, and soul, has had time to ripen and mature.

      Third, anyone who can only think about sex in terms of their own comfort and pleasure, which you yourself admitted is wrong, likely is not a very good lover. You claim you are a pup (ish). Perhaps you are really just a dog (ish). A horn dog.

      Fourth, I do not believe God is “doing” anything to the “objects of your affection”. If menopause is indeed an act of God, it is because SHE decided that women shouldn’t have to suffer their entire lives with reproductive capabilities when those chromosomally-challenged sex partners of the species seem intent on pursuing only sexually desirable (young/sexy/vapid) females. Maybe she wanted them to have a break from all that since they become virtually invisible once they are past their “prime”.

      I am sorry this turned into a rant, but it’s my blog, I can reply any way I want, and I am suffering from 15 of the 17 symptoms listed above.

      Have a nice day.

  7. Chocolate has the power to cure anything. I’m a firm believer in that. And having a giant fan with a remote.

    My husband insists men can go through their own “change”. I think maybe what he’s referring to is simply putting up with me yelling, “It’s hot as hell in here! Now it’s too cold! wait, I’m hot again! Good lord I’m burning up from the inside! Quick, I need to stick my head in the freezer! Quit looking at me like that! I will spontaneously combust right here! Get me some Godiva NOW!”

    • Burning up from the inside is a very accurate description. I think men do go through some sort of change, and most of the research I’ve done (limited) suggests just that. Anyway, Godiva and fans it is, for the time being…

  8. So blogging early in the morning is a symptom?

  9. I love your blog, and named you for the Versatile Blogger Award. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is outlined on my blog. Thanks for all of the smiles you give me!

  10. I am on the list for the majority of the syptoms and in denial for the rest. Good thing to come out of it all? NO periods, more lessons learned, NO periods. Don’t forget, ladies, for those who are not in monogomous relationships…you still need to use condoms. STIs do not care if you can get pregnant. Really good post K8e!

  11. Bravo, oh sweaty, sleepless one! I LOVE the nod to unruly chin hairs!

    Think of menopause as one hellacious power surge. Men should be scared! 😉

  12. TheIdiotSpeaketh

    Good Grief! Reading that list has me convinced that I am in the midst of male MANOPAUSE myself…… yikes! 🙂

  13. winsomebella

    Love the post. LOVE LOVE LOVE your reply to dearest T 🙂

  14. Gracious! Look how many comments your post yielded. Too bad no one knows what the heck you’re talking about, eh? (The company of T excluded, of course.)

    K8 I fear the full grip of menopause because perimenopause is already a beast. Then again, PMS was a beast. *sigh* I feel so sorry for my husband.

    • Yeah, perimenopause…that only lasted about 20 years for me. I feel sorry for all our husbands, but they’re tough – they’d better be, anyway. As always, thank you for coming by.

  15. Deborah the Closet Monster

    Man! If the chin hairs get worse with age, I am doomed! At least I’ll have that awesome image to get me chuckling instead of grimacing at the thought. :p

  16. I’m almost there. Hope I cope with it with as much humour as you do 🙂

  17. Oh, there is light at the end of the tunnel-really! Speaking as one who went through it early (my mid-forties) and am now on the other side (64 ish) I still have joint pain but have always had that due to lots of childhood accidents. Chin hairs yes, but it gives me something to do while I am waiting for DG (Date-Guy) to show up. Funny side story here. I raised my granddaughter since she was 3 years old. We have always had a policy of openness but if she didn’t ask I didn’t push. She knew what would happen once she was old enough but when the day came she wasn’t mentally ready. So as we were sipping herbal tea together she said, “Grams how long will this last?” Not seeing the big picture I said, “Oh about 5-7 days…” To which she replied, “Oh thank god, I thought I would have to put up with this until I was as old as you!” Unfortunately I had to break the bad news…

  18. Pingback: Ways NaNoWriMo is Kicking My Butt | k8edid

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