Does this Cement Make My Butt Look Big?

Baby got Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

Junk(yard) in the Trunk.

A Miami Gardens transgender woman, Oneal Ron Morris, was arrested for practicing medicine without a license after police say she(?) injected a patient’s rear with a concoction of  cement, “Fix a Flat,” mineral oil and super glue.  Morris then sealed the amateur surgical site with Super Glue.  The patient, surprisingly, ended up hospitalized with a serious medical condition.  I know that is hard to imagine.  Read the story here.

Morris, who police say is a man but appears to look like a woman and sports an “apparently enhanced rear” herself in arrest photos, was being held on $7,500 bond. It was unknown if Ms. Morris has an attorney, but Gloria Allred was spotted in West Palm Beach, headed south.

Police believe there may be other victims of Morris who may be afraid to come forward. They said the victims haven’t done anything illegal and shouldn’t be afraid to come forward.  More likely they are afraid to leave the house with an ass the size of Kansas.  I suspect if Miami Gardens police were to spend any time looking, victims of Ms(?) Morris may not be too difficult to spot out in public.  At least one woman was arrested for causing a scene when she was told she would have to purchase a separate airline ticket for each of her ass cheeks.  Another was rescued from the bottom of a swimming pool when her ass sank during a party.

For the life of me, I cannot imagine wanting to have anything injected into my ass and have, in fact, spent the better part of my adult life trying to reduce the size of my generous bubble butt.  (For God’s sake, whatever you do, DO NOT Google “bubble butt”.  I warned you.)  If only there were a donor registry, where I could offer up my surplus for those women whose asses need enhancement.  Perhaps I should put an ad on Craig’s List.  With a picture.

Seriously, that is not really my ass.  Mine is bigger.

Apparently, illegal buttocks injections are on the rise.  So called “pumping parties” are taking place in which unlicensed practitioners are performing injections in hotel rooms, homes, garages, even sheds.  Illegal silicone injections can be deadly, experts say.  Ya think?  A Georgia woman was recently arrested after performing illegal buttocks injections in a Washington DC hotel room that sent one woman to the hospital with “complications”.  It is unknown how many injections the woman had performed, but hotel records show that the woman had over 100 stays at the same DC establishment in recent months.  She has spent more time in our nation’s capitol than many members of Congress (and has apparently accomplished a lot more while in town).

The “sagging” economy is blamed for the rise in the number of women who are seeking buttock enhancement from anyone with access to syringes, a Home Depot credit card, and a flat surface on which to perform surgery.  Come to think of it, I have all those things….

In a related story, the manufacturers of “Fix a Flat” have renamed the product “Fix a Flat Ass” in an attempt to bolster drooping sales.

Photo credit:  Miami Gardens Police Department


Filed under General Mumblings, humor, Uncategorized

49 responses to “Does this Cement Make My Butt Look Big?

  1. In silhouette, I favor the picture on the left. And this is now desirable? Who knew.

  2. well done! I stand behind you (well kind of far behind with an ass like that) in thinking that this is mad-ass-ness!

  3. This gives new meaning to the term hard-ass.

  4. I can only imagine what would happen if Kim Kardashian or J-Lo went to this person.

    Rob, The Mainland

  5. Wow! I am with you-I would happily be a donor. Let me know if you get any calls from your ad.
    What is the category to list it under? Ass ads didn’t come up in my Craig’s list search.

  6. Sniff…I don’t think you understand the shame and sorrow of we..the other 1%…the buttless. Ever been asked at a party if the vacation slides can be shown on your wide contourless rear? Its demoralizing! I never wear white to events anymore….you just don’t know my suffering! Where do I find that recipes? Is it on gwyneth p’s site?

    • I wondered when the buttless contingent would show up. I am sorry for your suffering, really I am. Every time I try to pull a pair of perfect jeans over my lovely curves I curse my ass and wish I had movie projector screen proportions. As mentioned above, I’d be happy to donate some of mine. Let me see, I’ll need a scalpel, a shop vac, some Mason jars, duct tape, and a bottle of Jack Daniels. What’s your address – I’ll overnight some to you.

  7. Are you blowing smoke up our asses on this one? This can’t be true! 😉

    • Lorna, I assure you everything is true exept the part about my butt being bigger than the one pictured. I am not making this up – there is apparently an epidemic of persons wishing to enhance their buttockular region…

  8. Deborah the Closet Monster

    That concluding comment? So made of win! 😀

  9. Sagging economy… hahaha.

  10. OMG, OMG, OMG. I thought you were making this up. People are seriously weird and sick. That name, Oneal Ron Morris, couldn’t be better if you did make it up.

    Adding my tee hees of homage for this post, along with a self-addressed, stamped Priority Mail box for some of that do-it-yourself flat bootie enhancement. Share with a less gifted sister, right?

    • You mean as in Mor-Ass as opposed to Morris?

      Your shipment is in route. I know it looks like chicken fat, but rest assured, it came directly from my lard butt. I am glad you got your request in early, because I only have enough for the first 5,000 flat-booty readers…

  11. tsonoda148

    “Fix a Flat Ass”……OMG, snorting coffee here. I probably shouldn’t laugh at all that stuff, but I am. Seriously……if people are stupid enough to go get their backsides’ pumped by a crazy person,…I’m not gonna cry. I might laugh till I cry. No, I will laugh till I cry. Bubble Butts are highly overrated anyways. No one ever whistles at mine. Thank god I didn’t pay good money for it.

  12. OMG that has to be the silliest thing I have ever read. The mind boggles at the absolute stupidity of people. And why would anyone want to look like that?I thought Botox injections were scary enough (who would have botulism pumped into them?) but cement. Do we know if it was ready mixed or did she/he mix it in the hotel bathroom tub?

    • You would have thought the cement mixer truck in the parking lot would have been a give-away, right? Silly is right. No, actually it is foolishness bordering on insanity. Who lets some untrained person inject cement into their butt?

  13. winsomebella

    I too was unaware of this body trend. Could we not push for a trend suitable for us apples?

  14. I have no ass. Nothin. Flat as a board. I’m like plywood back there. 🙂

  15. –Are you kidding?

    My ass needs NO enhancement or damn cement.

    If anything, I need LESS of an ass. X

    • I have Peg’s address if you would like to send her some, as well. Then she will not have to sit on those big fluffy pillows, poor butt-deprived dear that she is.

  16. This would be perfect for Assbook! Everyone, go check out Assbook! But for the time being, look up Uranus.

  17. Bacon will do the same thing, is legal, and tastes wonder-licious.

  18. I just heard about this yesterday. That’s crazy! Was she injecting cement into her own behind as well or did she use something else?

  19. Doc

    Great! Now with my fear of large breasts (I hate self-promotion but go read “The Titty Dinner”) I now must fear bubble butts? I like well proportioned women- the way God (or whomever) made them. Is that too much to ask? And while we’re on the subject, I like faces that wrinkle with laughter. Women, don’t go getting crazy on us. Enough with the enhancements. If it can’t be done naturally (with exercise? Diet?) then it wasn’t meant to be. And we love you that way!!!!

  20. too funny Kate. a proctologist’s wet dream. we’ve gone insane. continue…

  21. I saw this story the other day and immediately thought the same thing. Who are these women who so desperately want ass implants, and why won’t they take some of mine? I don’t mean to blame the victim, but really, people. I have no problem sharing.

  22. Lynn

    Hilarious! Loved your light touch on such a ponderous subject. Now I have a whole new take on the “sagging economy”. Seems like a whole other “Occupy” movement has evolved. I am truly considering if the cement injections might mitigate the silly putty thing I have goin’ on back there. Thanks for the heads (cheeks) up!

  23. I’m liker number 19. Do I hear 20? 20 anyone?

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