Dear Snow Birds:
It is so nice to see you again. Really. It has been
so nice painfully quiet here without you. Really. We were forced to be seated immediately at our favorite restaurants, depriving us of a chance to partake of the fresh air that we now enjoy waiting outside, where you all smoke your smelly cigars, while we wait for a table. And God knows how many pounds we gained because we had access to parking spots right in front of our favorite stores, which incidently we were able to navigate through in record time without having to dodge around or getting stuck behind those crazy scooters.
First it was an isolated Nova Scotia license plate, then a couple from Ontario, then scads from Maine and Vermont. Now we are seeing Tennesee and Missouri plates as well, and they are everywhere. Again, we welcome
your wallets you and hope you don’t trash our home enjoy your home-away-from-home while you wait for the North to become habitable again.
Before I moved to Florida, I visited often. I wasn’t really a Snow Bird, but I owned property and came whenever I could. I always tried to remember that I was a visitor – and certainly tried to mind my manners. In that vein, I would like to just offer a few observations I’ve made.
1. You all drive huge vehicles. If not a huge SUV, then you own a land yacht. Which you drive
very badly skillfully at all times, considering you can’t see over the steering wheel.
2. You all do not know how to park those
big ass lovely vehicles.
3. You all have handicapped plates, which can be seen on the vehicles parked outside the bars where you go to dance like lunatics all night.
4. You gentlemen all drop the little woman off at the door to the store, then go park in the handicapped spots, while sitting in your car and listening to the radio, reading the paper, or doing whatever, until you see the little woman exit the store. Then you
pull your dumb ass car back out of the handicapped space and meet her at the door.
5. You all know the same sign language, which consists of a one-fingered salute.
6. You all circle the parking lot, with those
big ass large cars/trucks trying to get the closest parking spot possible. I have seen people drive around longer in the parking lot, waiting for a good spot, than they actually spend in the store. Just park, for goodness sake, and walk like the rest of us.
7. You like to tell us how wonderful your doctors, nurses, restaurants, stores, customer service, delivery drivers, cable TV, etc are back home. We would like to request that you
go the hell back home offer your suggestions for improving our lousy customer service in the face of a doubled population without a matching increase in workers to serve your whiny asses royal highnesses.
8. You love our beaches. We love our beaches, too. Please do not leave your litter on them, bury your cigarette and cigar butts in the sand, disturb the shells and wildlife, allow your dogs to poop everywhere, or feed the frickin seagulls. Next year, when you’ve all left and we get a chance to get close to the beaches again, we’d like to find them like we left them for you in early November.
9. We are not all retired here. Some of us have to go to work. If you must be on the highways during prime “worker bee” travel time, please do not get in the passing lane and drive 45 miles an hour. And smile when you give me the one-fingered salute.
10. You are like family to us. Seriously. We are always glad to see you come back for a visit. And we are glad to see you go, too. Just like family.