Why do they call it Tourist Season if we can’t shoot them?

Pair of Canada Geese by lake in Lexington Ceme...

Image via Wikipedia

Dear Snow Birds:

It is so nice to see you again. Really. It has been so  nice  painfully quiet here without you. Really.  We were forced to be seated immediately at our favorite restaurants, depriving us of a chance to partake of the fresh air that we now enjoy waiting outside, where you all smoke your smelly cigars, while we wait for a table.  And God knows how many pounds we gained because we had access to parking spots right in front of our favorite stores, which incidently we were able to navigate through in record time without having to dodge around or getting stuck behind those crazy scooters.

First it was an isolated Nova Scotia license plate, then a couple from Ontario, then scads from Maine and Vermont. Now we are seeing Tennesee and Missouri plates as well, and they are everywhere. Again, we welcome your wallets you and hope you don’t trash our home enjoy your home-away-from-home while you wait for the North to become habitable again.

Before I moved to Florida, I visited often. I wasn’t really a Snow Bird, but I owned property and came whenever I could. I always tried to remember that I was a visitor – and certainly tried to mind my manners.  In that vein, I would like to just offer a few observations I’ve made.

1.  You all drive huge vehicles.  If not a huge SUV, then you own a land yacht.  Which you drive very badly skillfully at all times, considering you can’t see over the steering wheel.

2.  You all do not know how to park those big ass lovely vehicles.

Inspired Parking - Palo Alto Transit Center - ...

Image by Richard Masoner / Cyclelicious via Flickr

3.  You all have handicapped plates, which can be seen on the vehicles parked outside the bars where you go to dance like lunatics all night.

4.  You gentlemen all drop the little woman off at the door to the store, then go park in the handicapped spots, while sitting in your car and listening to the radio, reading the paper, or doing whatever, until you see the little woman exit the store.  Then you pull your dumb ass car back out of the handicapped space and meet her at the door.

5.  You all know the same sign language, which consists of a one-fingered salute.

Fuck sign, not directed at anyone!

Image via Wikipedia

6.  You all circle the parking lot, with those big ass large cars/trucks trying to get the closest parking spot possible.  I have seen people drive around longer in the parking lot, waiting for a good spot, than they actually spend in the store.  Just park, for goodness sake, and walk like the rest of us.

7.  You like to tell us how wonderful your doctors, nurses, restaurants, stores, customer service, delivery drivers, cable TV, etc are back home.  We would like to request that you go the hell back home offer your suggestions for improving our lousy customer service in the face of a doubled population without a matching increase in workers to serve your whiny asses royal highnesses.

8.  You love our beaches.  We love our beaches, too.  Please do not leave your litter on them, bury your cigarette and cigar butts in the sand, disturb the shells and wildlife, allow your dogs to poop everywhere, or feed the frickin seagulls.  Next year, when you’ve all left and we get a chance to get close to the beaches again, we’d like to find them like we left them for you in early November.

9.  We are not all retired here.  Some of us have to go to work.  If you must be on the highways during prime “worker bee” travel time, please do not get in the passing lane and drive 45 miles an hour.  And smile when you give me the one-fingered salute.

10.  You are like family to us.  Seriously.  We are always glad to see you come back for a visit.  And we are glad to see you go, too.  Just like family.


Filed under General Mumblings, humor, Uncategorized

15 responses to “Why do they call it Tourist Season if we can’t shoot them?

  1. VERY funny Kate…and all, i am sure, deservedly so. continue…

  2. Lisa Wields Words

    While you can’t shoot them, perhaps there is a creative way to entice the seagulls that they feed to leave presents all over their giant vehicles, or some other “accident” that can be blamed on the natural citizens of your fair state.

  3. winsomebella

    Very funny but on point too 🙂

  4. Great post… and REALLY GREAT title.

  5. I agree, great title! And I also understand about getting deluged with seasonal flocks. But, hey, at least they’re good for the local economy, right?

  6. For the first paragraph I thought you were talking about geese. I was thinking “My sister-in-law has them all around the pond by her house, and I know they’re annoying, but can’t you shoo them away to park the car? Do they come right up to restaurants and honk and beg??”

    Now I see how this would be even more annoying with people. Except they probably don’t crap on your car. Right?

    • Well, not that I’ve noticed. Our sleepy little town turns into a nightmare of crazed silver-haired visitors. It would be open season if they pooped on my car, however.

  7. Like pegoleg I thought you were talking about birds. But now I see that these visitors can be damned annoying, Why is it when people go away for a couple of months each year they get ‘homesick’ and insist on telling one how much better it is where they come from Why don’t they stay home?.

  8. Funny. My father is a snowbird. Not a smoker, but you don’t want to be on the road when he is. O boy. Thanks for the perspective.

  9. I had forgotten about snowbirds since I no longer live in that area. Thanks for reminding me in a totally accurate way and also allowing me to be thankful I don’t have to deal with it anymore. Now where I live, we only have to deal with Californians who think that winter driving is the same as always except the road is white instead of black.

  10. Doc

    It’s been twelve- almost 13- years since I lived at the beach. Summers were unbearable but the winters were beautiful. Nothing beats walking on an isolated beach, the sounds of the surf and the occasional yell of a seagull the only noise. I loved the chill wind beating on my face. Great post, by the way. Every annoying fact you mentioned about snow birds who visit your state was true for us as well in the northeast.

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