These Things Do Not Actually Constitute Foreplay

Spotted Owlet Athene brama at Keoladeo Nationa...

Since you're going to the kitchen any way can you get me a beer? (Photo credit: Wikipedi

Researchers at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University report that men are “always” thinking about sex. By that they meant that 54 percent of men think about sex several times a day, compared with just 19 percent of women, they wrote in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Scientists.

Neuropsychiatrist Dr. Louann Brizendine, author of “The Female Brain,” however, disagrees. She writes in her book that men think about sex every 52 seconds, while women tend to think of it just once a day. If men are thinking about sex more frequently than once a minute, how do they get any work done?  Why, when they aren’t also thinking about food, sports and beer, of course.  And when women do think about sex once a day are they thinking “I hope he’s not thinking about sex, again”?  Or is that just me?

My husband is out of town.  I do miss him.  I mean, there hasn’t been a single sporting event blasting from the television since he left.  There has been no dinner preparation in the evening, unless you count pouring milk over a bowl of Special K.  I have enjoyed unlimited use of the lone bathroom here, and unfettered control of the remote.

No, really I do miss him and his, um, shall we say continous amorous advances.  Even though we have been married for at least 100 years (what?  It’s only been 32 years?  Seems like so much longer…) he still obviously finds me irresistable.  Either that or his vision has deteriorated to the point that he is mistaking me for someone else.


Sex (Photo credit: danielito311)

Given the potential for miscommunication and misunderstanding, based on the wide variances in male and female thought processes associated with sex, I offer the following guidelines for my husband as to what does not constitute foreplay.

1.  Asking me to get you a beer.

2.  Opening a jar for me.

3.  Sneaking up behind me while I am washing dishes.

4.  Folding my underwear.

5.  Bumping into me in the hallway.

6.  Getting me to scratch your back.

7.  Pretending to hold my hand when you are actually trying to sneak the remote from my grip.

8.  Taking out the trash.

9.  Waking up.

10.  Opening your birthday card.

Except that with #1o, I can’t say “Get off me, this isn’t your birthday”…

DISCLAIMER:  This post is entirely (well, mostly) tongue-in-cheek.  I know a great many men who are capable of deep thoughts and who actually consider topics other than sex, food, sports and beer.  I’m pretty sure I do, anyway.  In any event, I am fortunate to have a husband who not only makes me feel loved and desired, but lets me know everyday that he supports me, appreciates me and cherishes me.


Filed under humor, Uncategorized

45 responses to “These Things Do Not Actually Constitute Foreplay

  1. What? Back scratching not foreplay? I clearly need to pass this revelation along to my partner.

  2. Well, it could be foreplay, I guess…but it is not a given. Thanks for reading so early this morning, friend.

  3. Are you sure these do not count as foreplay? Total news to me! What about asking him to check the oil in your car? Surely that’s a signal that you’re thinking what he’s thinking?

  4. Well checking with both my ex’s tells me that by a vote of two (them) to one (me) that it is indeed foreplay! Perhaps that’s why I live with my cat now and dinner is a shared bowl of cornflakes.

  5. Maybe women need a list of things like asking him to change the oil in my car that men SHOULD consider foreplay. 🙂

  6. With my guy, using certain words like “horizontal” or “oh” (when vertical) is enough! I also have to watch out if I have an eyelash in my eye… 😉

  7. No. 1 to No. 10 work for me, so they must be foreplay 🙂

  8. Okay, I have a question, because I have never understood this: what is the definition of “Thinking about sex?” How is it possible to “think about sex” once every 52 seconds? Is it just that the word goes through your head? I mean, if you’re thinking about sex, doesn’t it tend to last at least… I dunno, two, three minutes? Like sex itself?

  9. And when women do think about sex once a day are they thinking “I hope he’s not thinking about sex, again”? Or is that just me?
    This is the funniest thing I’ve read all week! Oh my god, thanks for that laugh.

    I love your number 9 foreplay: ‘waking up’. God, it must be so easy to be a man. Just thinking about sex all the live long day and then not having to bother with foreplay at all to become aroused. Maybe us women should start thinking about it all day, too? That’s the key? Eh.

  10. Instead of a list of what doesn’t constitute foreplay, maybe we could make a list of what does? Some men need all the help they can get!

  11. Jackie Cangro

    You know, sometimes my dog gets a funny look in his eye and then he starts humping my leg. I think he might need this list.

  12. I don’t know – if my hubby ever does any housework, that gets me pretty hot and bothered.
    Smart woman with the obligatory disclaimer.

    • I do love to watch a man work – if they only knew that little secret our houses would be clean and they would be feeling so lucky…

    • Actually – my husband read this and said he laughed right out loud. I give him lots of grief, but he has a great sense of humor and obviously, is tough enough to hang with me for all these years.

  13. tsonoda148

    Oh heck Katy. I do all those things on your list to my partner. You mean to tell me I’m wasting my time? OY

  14. She says “Honey, could you open this jar of pickles for me?”
    He hears “Hey you big stud! I wanna see those big muscles spring into action getting the lid off of this jar of green somewhat phallic treats”
    That’s not foreplay?! You gals just continue to confuse me.
    By the way, nice save at the end; your hubby sounds like the guy my wife used to be married to!

  15. Hi Katie. Good post but after he died some of those things were what I missed most – just kidding. Lucky you to have a great guy in your life. I too was a lucky one.

    • Judith, I can imagine that indeed you would miss that so much – and I am sorry for your loss. I had a friend whose husband had died and the loss of close physical contact was the hardest part for her. I am glad you were lucky in love, even if it was cut short too soon. Thanks for reading.

  16. Was it No. 8? I’m too lazy to scroll back up. Whatever number the words were: Waking up. Hahahaha! Love it.
    I can still see my Dad standing in front of my Mom, waiting to get his back scratched. Funny, funny stuff. My Dad died in 1994, so um – my Mom doesn’t have to scratch his back anymore. (smile)
    This was very funny, K8!

  17. So you’re saying my wife isn’t flirting with me thirty times a day?

  18. so hysterical ! Though I must argue the facts are backwards – i believe its men who think about sex once a day…..the thought starts as they wake up and continues for the next 12 hours ….

Talk to me.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s