The Women’s Tennis Association has decided that all that grunting and shrieking done by female players is disruptive, disturbing, and completely unnecessary. Steps have been put into place to assure that the next generation of female tennis players won’t come to the court with that nasty little habit of making noise at the moment of maximal exertion. Young players are being educated and counseled about the disruption caused by such vocalizations and warned about the penalties proposed for such blatant acts of unnecessary squawking.
Never mind that men, also, have been known to grunt, groan, whoosh and such when smashing a backhand or acing a serve. Not an issue, I guess. There is talk of supplying umpires with Grunt-o-meters and allowing the umps to dock points of players if the little ladies’ vocalizations are excessive.
Regardless of where you come down on this issue (if at all), it irks me that strong, healthy competitive women are told how to behave. Do they have to go back to wearing cute little tennis dresses, with charming hats and happy little smiles?
Athletes make noise when physical exertion is at it’s peak. Studies have shown that athletes believe it enhances their performance by boosting energy and releasing adrenaline; further studies seem to support that theory. Weight lifters, javelin throwers, and practitioners of the martial arts ALL make vocalizations at the point of maximum exertion. How much fun would it be to watch someone karate chop a stack of cement blocks without the accompanying HI-YA?
Surprisingly, Maria Sharapova, who has been “clocked” at over 101 decibels – up there with the noise level of a chainsaw or a speeding train, is in favor of the move – just not with current athletes. She says she learned the habit as a child and it is a part of her playing regimen.
I’ve decided that maybe it will boost my energy and release some adrenaline if I start vocalizing at the exact moment I’ve executed a move in my daily routine. It is bound to be helpful.
Punch the brew button on the Keurig – HHHHHHEEEEEEE
Corral the “girls” and fasten my bra – HUUUUUUUMPF
Hit enter key on a witty Facebook status update – AAAAAAYYYYYYY
Bend over to tie my orthopedic nursing shoes – UUUUUUGGHHHHH
Maneuver around a diesel spewing supercab towing a 45 foot travel trailer – SSSSHHHHHIIIIIZZZZ
Hit enter on electronic gradebook that sends grades to students who will begin e-mailing me within minutes – WWWWWWHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEE
Slap a dinner of reheated leftovers and deli salads on the table – MMMMMMMMMTTTTHHHHH
Final swipe of the counter to knock the crumbs onto the floor for the dog – WWWWWOOOOOOOOTTTTT
Toss tennis ball for dog in lieu of walking her – EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFF
Fluff pillow before plopping head onto it – OOOOOOORRRRRRRRFFFFFFF
I feel better already.
How could a well-placed vocalization improve your day?
40 responses to “Grunt Work (Or Stop All That Noise and Act Like a Lady)”
Hilarious! I certainly can’t control the sounds I make just getting up off the couch or ‘corralling the girls’. (that one killed me) Sometimes, I can even let out a groan just turning my head to look at the TV.
I know, but imagine if you worked at making some of those noises to improve your performance…
While watching incredibly fit female tennis players in impossibly short skirts scamper across my TV screen chasing a fast moving ball, then hitting that naughty ball back over the net, I’ve been known to say “Ohhh…yeah…swat that!….Mmmm…Damn, I love when they grunt like that…Ooops!…Hi honey!…just watching tennis..yeah I’m by myself in a dark room..but..I guess I forgot to turn the light on…weren’t you out shopping?…we can watch something else…sure…”
Ha!!! You’re a very bad boy…
Quite often I watch tennis with the sound turned down because frankly, sports commentators drive me nuts. Some of these gals are ear-splitting.
I must confess to not watching tennis, mens or womens, whatsoever. Still, I couldn’t pass up the chance to try to be funny in a perverse way.
I totally agree on the commentators. Cris Collingsworth is like a boil on my inner ear, and I hate the way Phil Simms has suddenly affected a down-home accent which he never had in his days as a player.
Welcome back, by the way. You don’t appear to haver lost your excellent form!
Thanks, Dave. And what is this world is funnier than perversion? There is a certain talent in being perverse (and funny) without being vulgar. Make sure you put that on your resume.
Sports commentators are the worst…especially when they ramble on and on and on.
Seeing as my most recent post was largely about dumb people and animal urine, I guess perversion is almost a step up
Fortunately, for bloggers, there is never going to be a shortage of dumb people…
Funny! Most of the time my vocalizations come when I’m trying to get myself out of my chair. 🙂
I know what you mean…
I think it would be in everyone’s interest if the women just served tea and biscuits rather than volleys and then went back to the kitchen. It’s pesky when women act all human-like.
They should know better than to be all athletic and strong, dammit.
HA! I was going to leave my own semi-smart comment, but I’ll just stick to saying I love this one (and the post to which it responds).
Strain the icy vodka/vermouth mixture over three perfectly speared olives OOOHHHAhhhhh
You are BACK, Katie! This was hilarious.
My question is this, If all that energy doesn’t get expelled out of one end, where is it going to get diverted to? 😉
I’m sure studies have been done about that, as well.
Now THAT we would definitely want kept quiet!!!
Good post, and your examples were funny too. However, I totally support the campaign to reduce those noises. The very-deliberate tennis shrieks on EVERY shot annoy me immensely and will drive me to turn off the TV or mute it! I don’t think the men have taken it to such an extreme – a lower pitch grunt on the serve is less annoying. But the same rules should certainly apply.
Some of them are quite annoying, I’ll admit. Thank goodness for mute buttons.
**Corral the “girls” and fasten my bra – HUUUUUUUMPF***
Brilliant! Love this! thank you for my Sunday giggle. Xx
—Taking a sip of CupCake Velvet Wine: OooooooooooooooBaaaaaaaaaaby!
Giggle delivered via blog – EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPHHHHHH
I love tennis yet I hope the next generation tones down the uumphhhh sounds. Maria Sharapova is the worst – a high pitched squeal. Sounds like I make when finished shopping at Wally World and finally out the door!
Or score a prime parking space!!!
Does the ‘weeeeee’ noise i make in my office chair count?
Yes, yes it does. Are you spinning wildly around?
At all times!
I was hoping so…..
Wait. Who let these women out of the kitchen where they belong? Women playing sports? Imagine. Next thing they’ll want jobs.
And expect to be paid as much as the men. Ridiculous.
You know what happens once they give girls the vote. They want everything.
I am watching the China Open right now (Azarenka -vs- Sharapova) They are really whooping it up on the court…I didn’t even know there was a Tennis Channel – let alone know that it came on my cable. No wonder we pay the equivalent of the Gross National Product of a third world nation for a month’s worth of entertainment
Missed ya! I hadn”t heard about this, but it seems pretty stupid. You’d think that athletes would be going crazy over this……
I’m reminded of Howard Dean’s BYYYYAAHHHH!!!
A classic, no doubt.
I watched some of the last Open and the “WHOOOoooo” chick doing her tremulous hoot on every, single shot drove me bat-sh*t. I turned the channel.
I don’t mind anybody, dainty lass or no, emitting a grunt of exertion every time she whacks the ball. It’s the repetitive noise that is obviously contrived to drive your opponent crazy that I hate.
But the patented Katy sounds of exertion – hysterical! Oh yeah she’s back, she’s back, she’s got it, she’s got it (picture me doing that thing with your arms where you circle them around in front of your midsection).
I have that visual….
The two that played yesterday were so LOUD I think I would have had to plug my ears at some point. I did turn the channel.
I think it is past time to redefine “act like a lady”………
You are hilarious 🙂
I am not a tennis fan, but the very few times I have watched it I’ve turned the volume way down so I don’t have to listen to the announcers or the grunts. Love your sounds, especially “corral the girls”
Thanks – I love tennis but can’t stand the announcers – usually keep the volume turned down for that reason alone.