Grunt Work (Or Stop All That Noise and Act Like a Lady)

The Women’s Tennis Association has decided that all that grunting and shrieking done by female players is disruptive, disturbing, and completely unnecessary.  Steps have been put into place to assure that the next generation of female tennis players won’t come to the court with that nasty little habit of making noise at the moment of maximal exertion.  Young players are being educated and counseled about the disruption caused by such vocalizations and warned about the penalties proposed for such blatant acts of unnecessary squawking.

Never mind that men, also, have been known to grunt, groan, whoosh  and such when smashing a backhand or acing a serve.  Not an issue, I guess.  There is talk of supplying umpires with Grunt-o-meters and allowing the umps to dock points of players if the little ladies’ vocalizations are excessive.

Regardless of where you come down on this issue (if at all), it irks me that strong, healthy competitive women are told how to behave.  Do they have to go back to wearing cute little tennis dresses, with charming hats and happy little smiles?

English: Tennis players in Shorncliffe, ca. 1917.

English: Tennis players in Shorncliffe, ca. 1917. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Athletes make noise when physical exertion is at it’s peak.  Studies have shown that athletes believe it enhances their performance by boosting energy and releasing adrenaline; further studies seem to support that theory.  Weight lifters, javelin throwers, and practitioners of the martial arts ALL make vocalizations at the point of maximum exertion.  How much fun would it be to watch someone karate chop a stack of cement blocks without the accompanying HI-YA?

Surprisingly, Maria Sharapova, who has been “clocked” at over 101 decibels – up there with the noise level of a chainsaw or a speeding train, is in favor of the move – just not with current athletes.  She says she learned the habit as a child and it is a part of her playing regimen.

I’ve decided that maybe it will boost my energy and release some adrenaline if I start vocalizing at the exact moment I’ve executed a move in my daily routine.  It is bound to be helpful.

Punch the brew button on the Keurig – HHHHHHEEEEEEE

Corral the “girls” and fasten my bra – HUUUUUUUMPF

Hit enter key on a witty Facebook status update –  AAAAAAYYYYYYY

Bend over to tie my orthopedic nursing shoes – UUUUUUGGHHHHH

Maneuver around a diesel spewing supercab towing a 45 foot travel trailer – SSSSHHHHHIIIIIZZZZ

Hit enter on electronic gradebook that sends grades to students who will begin e-mailing me within minutes – WWWWWWHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEE

Slap a dinner of reheated leftovers and deli salads on the table – MMMMMMMMMTTTTHHHHH

Final swipe of the counter to knock the crumbs onto the floor for the dog – WWWWWOOOOOOOOTTTTT

Toss tennis ball for dog in lieu of walking her – EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFF

Fluff pillow before plopping head onto it – OOOOOOORRRRRRRRFFFFFFF

I feel better already.

How could a well-placed vocalization improve your day?


Filed under General Mumblings, humor, Uncategorized

40 responses to “Grunt Work (Or Stop All That Noise and Act Like a Lady)

  1. Hilarious! I certainly can’t control the sounds I make just getting up off the couch or ‘corralling the girls’. (that one killed me) Sometimes, I can even let out a groan just turning my head to look at the TV.

  2. While watching incredibly fit female tennis players in impossibly short skirts scamper across my TV screen chasing a fast moving ball, then hitting that naughty ball back over the net, I’ve been known to say “Ohhh…yeah…swat that!….Mmmm…Damn, I love when they grunt like that…Ooops!…Hi honey!…just watching tennis..yeah I’m by myself in a dark room..but..I guess I forgot to turn the light on…weren’t you out shopping?…we can watch something else…sure…”

    • Ha!!! You’re a very bad boy…

      Quite often I watch tennis with the sound turned down because frankly, sports commentators drive me nuts. Some of these gals are ear-splitting.

      • I must confess to not watching tennis, mens or womens, whatsoever. Still, I couldn’t pass up the chance to try to be funny in a perverse way.

        I totally agree on the commentators. Cris Collingsworth is like a boil on my inner ear, and I hate the way Phil Simms has suddenly affected a down-home accent which he never had in his days as a player.
        Welcome back, by the way. You don’t appear to haver lost your excellent form!

  3. Funny! Most of the time my vocalizations come when I’m trying to get myself out of my chair. 🙂

  4. I think it would be in everyone’s interest if the women just served tea and biscuits rather than volleys and then went back to the kitchen. It’s pesky when women act all human-like.

  5. WSW

    Strain the icy vodka/vermouth mixture over three perfectly speared olives OOOHHHAhhhhh
    Funny stuff!

  6. You are BACK, Katie! This was hilarious.

    My question is this, If all that energy doesn’t get expelled out of one end, where is it going to get diverted to? 😉

  7. Good post, and your examples were funny too. However, I totally support the campaign to reduce those noises. The very-deliberate tennis shrieks on EVERY shot annoy me immensely and will drive me to turn off the TV or mute it! I don’t think the men have taken it to such an extreme – a lower pitch grunt on the serve is less annoying. But the same rules should certainly apply.

  8. **Corral the “girls” and fasten my bra – HUUUUUUUMPF***

    Brilliant! Love this! thank you for my Sunday giggle. Xx

    —Taking a sip of CupCake Velvet Wine: OooooooooooooooBaaaaaaaaaaby!

  9. I love tennis yet I hope the next generation tones down the uumphhhh sounds. Maria Sharapova is the worst – a high pitched squeal. Sounds like I make when finished shopping at Wally World and finally out the door!

  10. Does the ‘weeeeee’ noise i make in my office chair count?

  11. Wait. Who let these women out of the kitchen where they belong? Women playing sports? Imagine. Next thing they’ll want jobs.

  12. I am watching the China Open right now (Azarenka -vs- Sharapova) They are really whooping it up on the court…I didn’t even know there was a Tennis Channel – let alone know that it came on my cable. No wonder we pay the equivalent of the Gross National Product of a third world nation for a month’s worth of entertainment

  13. Missed ya! I hadn”t heard about this, but it seems pretty stupid. You’d think that athletes would be going crazy over this……

  14. jason clark

    I’m reminded of Howard Dean’s BYYYYAAHHHH!!!

  15. I watched some of the last Open and the “WHOOOoooo” chick doing her tremulous hoot on every, single shot drove me bat-sh*t. I turned the channel.

    I don’t mind anybody, dainty lass or no, emitting a grunt of exertion every time she whacks the ball. It’s the repetitive noise that is obviously contrived to drive your opponent crazy that I hate.

    But the patented Katy sounds of exertion – hysterical! Oh yeah she’s back, she’s back, she’s got it, she’s got it (picture me doing that thing with your arms where you circle them around in front of your midsection).

    • k8edid

      I have that visual….

      The two that played yesterday were so LOUD I think I would have had to plug my ears at some point. I did turn the channel.

  16. winsomebella

    I think it is past time to redefine “act like a lady”………
    You are hilarious 🙂

  17. I am not a tennis fan, but the very few times I have watched it I’ve turned the volume way down so I don’t have to listen to the announcers or the grunts. Love your sounds, especially “corral the girls”

    • k8edid

      Thanks – I love tennis but can’t stand the announcers – usually keep the volume turned down for that reason alone.

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