Nearly a year ago, I wrote a post about how 2013 had kicked my ass. It was one of maybe 6 0r 7 posts I have written in the past 18 months. You see, 2013 was a bitch – but 2014 has conspired to make its predecessor feel like an old, fondly-remembered friend. I will tell a tale about an altercation I had with a tropical fruit this week that illustrates what I mean.
In this year of our Lord – 2014- I have been diagnosed with not one, but two painful, chronic and potentially debilitating maladies. One affects my joints; the other affects my muscles. Both involve fatigue and weakness. Depression is an “interesting” common denominator. Neither is curable but, I am told, are manageable by utilizing an amazing array of poisonous chemicals, copious amounts of rest balanced with exercise, and a good attitude. Some days only my joints are affected – other days my muscles ache. On “perfect storm” days everything, including my eyelashes and fingernails hurt. Some days I cannot even turn over in bed. Many mornings I cannot walk when I get out of bed which makes that first trip to the bathroom rather entertaining. Usually after 10 – 15 minutes of stretching and range of motion exercises, I can maneuver around with only moderate pain. Good insurance being what it is, I have amassed an incredible schedule of specialists’ appointments.
I have been referred to the pain clinic where I am treated like a wild-eyed drug-seeking addict…I must bring my prescription bottle with me to have my remaining pills counted; I must submit a urine sample at every visit to be tested for illegal substances; and I must make an appearance every 30 days. Heaven forbid that I have a prescription for more than 30 days worth of relief. I am fairly certain I could get heroin more easily (and more cheaply).
On the worst days, my left arm is virtually useless. I am right handed, so that is a small blessing. If you have ever had a bum wing, though, you know how difficult it is to maneuver through your day using only one hand. Your less-dominant hand is important for such tasks as pulling up your underwear, holding the cookie jar so you can pull the top off, or flipping off passing vehicles. I cannot hold anything for any length of time in that hand, including a wine glass. A cup of coffee is too heavy for my weakened arm and attempts to lift one are likely to result in a spill, a burn, or both.
I am recovering from yet another abdominal surgery this week (Merry Christmas to ME), so I am even weaker than usual. My beloved Sweet Cheeks, who has had to assume most of the tasks of running this crazy train we call home, purchased a beautiful, perfectly ripe pineapple at my request. So on Christmas Eve morning, I zig-zag staggered to the bathroom, managed a quick shower concentrating on the parts I could reach with my right hand. I shaved my right leg and the right side of my left leg plus my left underarm. I dressed slowly, pulling up my underwear on the right side and managed one-handedly to get both my 38L boobs (that’s L for long) tucked into a brassiere. I styled the right side of my hair with the blow-dryer and ran a comb through the left. I staggered to the kitchen and prepared to wage war on the splendid tropical bromeliad.
I chose my weapons carefully: my best knife and a new-fangled pineapple corer/slicer/peeler purported to make quick work of the task at hand. I selected a cutting board and prepared the pineapple as if offering up a tropical sacrifice. I laid the fragrant golden fruit on its side to make the first cut to remove the spiky top. With my stronger right hand I grasped the knife and…nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. I pressed harder and the stubborn fruit squirted off the cutting board and onto the counter. I laid my useless left hand on top of the fruit and leveraging my weight onto the knife blade, managed to just cut into the firm flesh. Juice ran onto the cutting board, somehow making the surface both slick and sticky. The fruit slipped again with the blade stuck about an inch into the side.
By practically laying on the pineapple, utilizing an exaggerated sawing motion, and employing a multitude of standard and newly minted curse words, I was able to separate the top of the fruit from the body. Feeling victorious, I stood the pineapple up and attempted to use the new-fangled device. So simple – just press and twist the device into the pineapple and when you are finished, the fruit is sliced, cored and peeled. I managed to twist the apparatus about an inch into the dripping yellow flesh. I could not make further progress. I gathered the fruit into my useless left arm and held the dripping fruit next to my body. Grunting and sweating, I somehow managed to twist another half-inch. I was covered with juice, sweaty with effort and frustrated as hell. My blood sugar was falling and my blood pressure was, undoubtedly, on the rise!
Finally, in an uncharacteristic fit of common sense, I decided juice and toast sounded like a much better breakfast choice. I waited for my beloved to wake up and complete the job I couldn’t do. Which he did, rather easily.
I threw the pineapple out yesterday. It was perfectly ripe, beautifully sliced and cored, and very juicy. I just couldn’t bring myself to eat it.
I guess I’m just a sore loser. In more ways than one…
31 responses to “Pineapple “1” – k8edid “0””
Katy, I am so sorry to hear that things have not improved. Although you didn’t say exactly what was causing all these symptoms (if they know, of course), I have a new fondness for one of the new dangled drugs I was terrified of –Remicade. If that is one of your options, I would be happy to talk with you.
But feel better and good luck Katy. I am hoping that you beat the shit out of 2015!
Elyse – Hello, it is good to hear from you. I believe the current plan (according to the insurance carrier protocol) is that I must first “fail” a trial of older, cheaper drugs before the good stuff gets introduced. Wouldn’t want to rush into healing too quickly, I guess…
Yeah, plus infusions are a royal pain. But keep my offer in mind. I was terrified of the idea and didn’t do it for 2 years as a result. I goofed, and feel much better on than I did off.
That sounds very encouraging…I see the docs again in another 10 days. I’ll mention the possibility.
Oh, this is so frustrating to read, I can only imagine how hard it must be to be living it. But I admire you that you have maintained a sense of humor…the 38L is hilarious-and I empathize. Insurance companies rule the world…which is why the world is in such a mess. Maybe writing on the blog will be cathartic for you. Hope you post again soon.
Positive vibes being sent your way. For whatever that’s worth.
Oh, so good to see you again. I am hoping that the sense of humor stays till the bitter end! Insurance companies do rule the world, but I simply cannot imagine navigating through all I have been through the last couple of years without it. I’ll have to follow their protocol – like I have a choice!!! But I know when to push for more or better treatment.
Sorry to hear things are getting harder. I swear I have had that same fight with a pineapple – although I believe I ate mine in revenge. Even on my best days I don’t understand how people make coring a pineapple look easy!
Revenge is a dish best served cold…
Well, that sucks.
Here’s hoping 2015 is fab-fucking-tabulous and that you recover the use of your left arm. If only long enough to give 2014 the finger.
Stay strong. And try to limit those pills.
Have you tried vodka?
Vodka is my middle name…
Good lord! I really didn’t want to “like” this one, but I was glad to see you posting again. You have been to hell and back. Let me know if I can do anything for you…maybe fly down there to help you with any future pineapples?
Oh, Darla! Would you? Fly down here I mean?? You could cut up my fruit and blow dry the left side of my hair!
You’ve got it! (what are you doing up so early?? Go back to sleep!)
Sleep? One of our crackhead neighbors got a rooster. There is no sleep after 4:30 am. That doesn’t change your plan to fly down does it? ‘Cause I plan on catching that sucker and cooking him up. Well, you might have to help with that, too.
I’ll bring the green bean casserole and biscuits! (and dessert of course)
I’m up because insomnia’s my middle name. (what were my parents thinking??!!)
Sorry to hear all about your maladies and trials and tribulations with the insurance world. Perhaps a move to Colorado is in order. That pineapple should have been mixed with some rum and cream of coconut just for messing with you.
Florida had “medical marijuana” on the ballot in November – it was defeated. There is an usually long growing season here, though…and I may need a new career. Hmmmmm.
I should have tossed that pineapple in the blender with some booze and ice cubes. What was I thinking?
Next pineapple is pretty much guaranteed a trip to the tiki bar.
Wow. So glad to hear from you, but did not like what’s been going on. Hoping your health kicks it up a notch or 200.
I can commiserate with the pain of not being able to turn over in bed. Mine comes and goes, hopefully yours will too (more of the “goes” please).
Finding the correct meds is a battle that I hope you win soon. And as for that damn pineapple, I think I would have put it in the oven , with a cherry on top, and then eaten it with delight. Remember, revenge is best served on a platter.
Get strong and Stay strong and Be strong! (Sheesh – lotta “strongs” there, but you know what I mean.)
Thanks – I know I am not alone in the pain and suffering department, and the “medication” roulette is not a game I am enjoying much. To tell the truth, I honestly thought I was just getting old in the beginning and was experiencing ordinary aches and pains. Then I looked around and decided, “Oh hell, no” not everyone my age is going through this.
I do have a few good days, and sometimes my arm actually does work…
I use a little bio feedback to help with my pain. Been doing it for some 30 years and it has helped in my case. I hate (HATE) taking pills! But I know they contribute to a quality of life that would be worse without them. Thus the form of bio feedback.
I like the term “medication roulette.” It is an accurate description, isn’t it. Jus have faith that if you keep playing, you will find the correct combo. I have been on the same Rx for over 20 years now. It works for me!! But it took a while to get there. Remember, it takes patience to be a patient.
I was so glad to see a post from you, then sad to read of the pain you’ve been enduring. Here’s to a better 2015 for you!
Oh, Katy, I hope 2015 is a much better year for you. You deserve it! Good to hear from you again. Good you don’t live in Wisconsin, where you have to deal with the cold, and icy conditions. Bless you!
If I could I would express-ship you a can of pre-sliced pineapple.
Sorry to hear that you’ve been in such pain. Sending you warm thoughts to feel better soon.
So my take-away from this is that you do NOT recommend the pineapple slicer?
First of all, I’m delighted to see your avatar pop into my Reader again. I missed the only other blogger in the world still working in Paint, and so masterfully.
Secondly, you poor baby! I knew you were having trouble, but I had no idea, Katy. Sending prayers and healing thoughts your way that 2015 kicks the hell of out 2013 and 2014.
Oh, Peg….I have missed you so. I do recommend the pineapple slicer – it is really great. I do not recommend getting sick and/or weak. Or having surgery. All at the same time.
2015 Has to be better, don’t you think? I don’t want to have to write another of these “this year sucked” posts.
Katy, I was so happy to see your name in my e-mail and so sad to read this past year has offered you so many challenges. I am truly sorry and I will keep you held up and ask that the coming year is jubilant and healthy.
sending you love, positive thoughts, hugs, & prayers from MN.
Damn, I HATE pain. I really HATE IT.
I feel for you, dear.
May YOU kick 2015’s ASSSSSSS sideways!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxxx
So good to see a post from you. So sorry to hear about all the physical pain you are dealing with. I’m sure the humor helps. May the new year bring more relief and more joy.
I’m so glad you’re back! I missed this since it was my daughter’s birthday.
I just went through partial knee replacement and went through three days of depression. I just wrote about how I snapped myself out of it. Maybe it will help you to read it.
Mine was caused by going off the Oxycodone. I hate narcotics, but they wouldn’t let me use Tylenol and Ibuprofen until I was done with the twice a day blood thinner belly shots. (No. Not the fun kind.)
Hang in there girl. Remember, we are badass women.