Tag Archives: sex for the terminally married

These Things Do Not Actually Constitute Foreplay

Spotted Owlet Athene brama at Keoladeo Nationa...

Since you're going to the kitchen any way can you get me a beer? (Photo credit: Wikipedi

Researchers at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University report that men are “always” thinking about sex. By that they meant that 54 percent of men think about sex several times a day, compared with just 19 percent of women, they wrote in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Scientists.

Neuropsychiatrist Dr. Louann Brizendine, author of “The Female Brain,” however, disagrees. She writes in her book that men think about sex every 52 seconds, while women tend to think of it just once a day. If men are thinking about sex more frequently than once a minute, how do they get any work done?  Why, when they aren’t also thinking about food, sports and beer, of course.  And when women do think about sex once a day are they thinking “I hope he’s not thinking about sex, again”?  Or is that just me?

My husband is out of town.  I do miss him.  I mean, there hasn’t been a single sporting event blasting from the television since he left.  There has been no dinner preparation in the evening, unless you count pouring milk over a bowl of Special K.  I have enjoyed unlimited use of the lone bathroom here, and unfettered control of the remote.

No, really I do miss him and his, um, shall we say continous amorous advances.  Even though we have been married for at least 100 years (what?  It’s only been 32 years?  Seems like so much longer…) he still obviously finds me irresistable.  Either that or his vision has deteriorated to the point that he is mistaking me for someone else.


Sex (Photo credit: danielito311)

Given the potential for miscommunication and misunderstanding, based on the wide variances in male and female thought processes associated with sex, I offer the following guidelines for my husband as to what does not constitute foreplay.

1.  Asking me to get you a beer.

2.  Opening a jar for me.

3.  Sneaking up behind me while I am washing dishes.

4.  Folding my underwear.

5.  Bumping into me in the hallway.

6.  Getting me to scratch your back.

7.  Pretending to hold my hand when you are actually trying to sneak the remote from my grip.

8.  Taking out the trash.

9.  Waking up.

10.  Opening your birthday card.

Except that with #1o, I can’t say “Get off me, this isn’t your birthday”…

DISCLAIMER:  This post is entirely (well, mostly) tongue-in-cheek.  I know a great many men who are capable of deep thoughts and who actually consider topics other than sex, food, sports and beer.  I’m pretty sure I do, anyway.  In any event, I am fortunate to have a husband who not only makes me feel loved and desired, but lets me know everyday that he supports me, appreciates me and cherishes me.


Filed under humor, Uncategorized