We’ve all seen the Bucket Lists. Now time for a F*#& It List – 25 Things I’m going to do my best to avoid before the gig is up.
1. Crack cocaine. Nuff said.
2. Elective surgery. I don’t care how much something sags, drops, falls, or is just plain unsightly. If it is compatible with life – I’m keeping it (unless of course I develop one of those 100 pound tumors on my face – or butt, or from my face to my butt).
3. Alligator wrestling. I know, I’m just no fun. I think alligators are stupid and people who want to wrestle around with them…… well, I generally root for the alligator.
4. Mountain climbing. I have trouble walking on perfectly flat terrain. YOU climb the mountain if you want to see the top (and send me a picture, please).
5. Nude camping. I saw a billboard for a nude RV resort. Come on, people. The mosquitoes and biting flies have access to enough of my skin, I’m not giving them more opportunities. Besides the potential for sunburns, all those embers from the campfire, dripping marshmallows – all potential injuries to exposed skin. I’ll pass.
6. Participating in a reality show. This doesn’t even need explanation.
7. Dating. I don’t think I could do it even if I became divorced or widowed. I would rather turn into the crazy cat lady. Being married for almost 32 years has either spoiled me, or ruined me, not sure which.
8. Sailing around the world solo. Who would I have to bitch at? And blame everything on? Sounds perfectly awful to me.
9. Baling hay. Did this as a teenager. Hot, nasty, exhausting work. If I should ever need hay for some reason, I’ll work 2 or 3 jobs just to avoid having to bale it myself.
10. Snake handling. Not for me, thanks.
11. Learning golf. I suck at enough stuff as it is.
12. Driving a race car. I am an old lady. I drive like one. I like it that way. If you don’t like it, don’t get behind me.
13. Visiting the Corn Palace. Call me crazy, this just doesn’t even sound like fun.
14. Bungee jumping. I broke an ankle just walking, what do you think snapping at the end of an elastic rope would do for me?
15. Entering a competitive eating contest. Any eating contest. These really disgust me.
16. Writing a sibling’s obituary. I weep just thinking about it.
17. Parasailing. Just looks dumb.
18. Outliving my children. Or grandchildren. More weeping.
19. Losing my sense of humor, although I have been known to temporarily misplace it.
20. Running for political office. If I want to serve in some capacity, I’ll volunteer somewhere. Every politician I have ever known, or worked for, was a morally bankrupt, incompetent bag of hot air. I wouldn’t have to become like them, but I’d have to work with them and I don’t have the stomach for it.
21. Staying at an Ice Hotel. I’m sorry, the cold makes me hurt and hurting makes me cranky. I want smooth warm sheets, a hot tub, and comfortable temperatures.
22. Running from the law. I’ll turn myself in. Some days 3 hots and a cot doesn’t sound all bad. Besides, I don’t drive fast enough (see #12) to get away. My luck, my slow-speed chase would be televised live or turned into a segment of a reality show (see #6).
23. Eating any of the disgusting things Andrew Zimmern eats on his show.
24. Eating any of the disgusting things Paula Deen cooks on her show. My arteries harden up just WATCHING her cook.
25. Moving in with one of my children. I pray I’ll just “check out” on the dance floor, with a beer in one hand, and a cigarette in the other (even though I don’t smoke, I might take it up again if it will help me avoid living with one of my children). I love them and I know they’d take care of me but I’d rather not.
Okay, what do you want to avoid in your life time?