Professor k8edid Answers Your End of Semester Questions

These are actual questions my students have asked, in person, on the phone, or via e-mail over the course of this semester.

Dear Professor K8edid:

I don’t know what happened on that last quiz.  I would like to retake it as soon as possible.  I have not slept in 3 days worrying about my grade.  See, I must have an A in all my classes to get into the PhD program I want.  I have calculated my grade over and over and I do not see any way that I can get an A.  Am I doing something wrong?   I.M. Sleepy

Dear I.M.S. – this is an introductory math class in which you will learn to calculate medication dosages.  For medications that could KILL PEOPLE.   I don’t know what you are doing wrong, but I can tell you this.  I calculated your grade this morning while writing a midterm exam, balancing a cup of coffee on my knee, and answering a butt-load of student e-mails on what should have been a restful Saturday.  I did this with a freakin’ hangover, painful fallen arches, and low blood sugar.  I have calculated 6 different ways that you could get an A in this class.  Since you can’t pass this medication dosage quiz or calculate your own grade, however, I’ve decided you don’t deserve one.  I will deduct nuisance points now and for each whiny e-mail I get from you till the end of the semester.  And that Ph.D. program you want to get into?  I hope it is not in math.

Professor K8edid:  Do you have MS?  a concerned and nosy student

Dear C&NS – No, I do not have MS.  Thank you for asking, though. Maybe you meant to ask if I have PMS?  No, not that either.  Now please read the chapter on conducting a medical history interview.  I can assure you that I am perfectly healthy, and of sound mind.  One of my personalities tells me to flunk your ass, but the others have talked me into letting you continue in the class.  No more personal questions, though.  Some of them just might be persuaded to change their minds.

Dear Professor K8edid:  I desperately need to meet with you to discuss my grade on that last quiz.  I know you have office hours on Tuesday from 1 – 4.  I can come after work at 4:30.  Would that be all right?  – Failure is Not an Option but Appears Inevitable

Dear FINAOBAI:  By all means come by my office after work.  Since it will be after work for me as well, I shall probably pass you in the hallway on my way out.  Or maybe I will already be at happy hour.   Since I won’t be there, I shall just tape your last quiz on the window for all the world to see.  Would that be all right?

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Dear Professor K8edid:  Where can I find the assignments for this week?  – too busy texting to pay attention

Dear TBTTPA:  You could look on the syllabus.  You know, the one posted on-line.  The one I printed out and handed to you on the first day of class.  The one that you signed a receipt for – that you have received, read, and understood the contents of?  Or look on-line under the weekly assignment tab.  The one I point out every week.  Or just text me every week like you’ve been doing.  Since I don’t text back, that seems to be working pretty well, don’t you think?

Dear Professor K8edid:  I just got my schedule for next semester and I see that you are teaching one of my classes.  Will that class be easier than this one? – Wanting to Skate

Dear WTS:  Yes, of course the next course will be easier.  That is what getting an education is all about.  You pay a bunch of money (or rather, you get a butt load of money from the government – you pass it over to the school) and we just give you a diploma.  You should never have to work hard for that.  You want to be a nurse but you don’t want to work hard?  Get a freakin’ clue.  Prepare yourself for the next 4 semesters.  You will not sleep; if you do you will see nothing but concept maps, accidental fingers-sticks and nursing care plans in your nightmares. You will not eat.  If you do eat you will throw up.  You will not be without a book in your hand over the next 2 years.  Deal with it.

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Professor K8edid:  I read the chapter and did the assignments as outlined in the syllabus.  However, I saw a You-Tube video that contradicts some of the information in the textbook.  Can you address this discrepancy in class?  – Seeker of Knowledge

Dear SOK:  Um, no.  If you want a diploma from You-Tube-iversity, then continue to get your knowledge from that source.

Dear Professor K8edid:  Will that be on the final? – Undermotivated/Overwhelmed

Dear U/O.  Yes.  All of it.

Dear Professor K8edid:  Is there anything I can do to get a better grade? – Wanting More

Dear WM:  When you repeat this class next semester, try studying, turning in assignments, and practicing skills.

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Dear Professor K8edid:  I am very shy.  I just know I will not be able to participate in the skills demonstrations required because I suffer from performance anxiety and “stage fright”. Is there some other way besides you standing there watching me do those skills?  – Shrinking Violet

Dear SV:  Look, sweetheart.  I’ve been to your Facebook page.  Yes, you just might want to change your privacy settings.  Judging from the photos and videos posted there, you do not have performance anxiety. 

Dear Professor K8edid:  What do you make teaching these classes? – Curious

Dear C:  I make a difference.

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63 Comments

Filed under humor

63 responses to “Professor k8edid Answers Your End of Semester Questions

  1. Lol, hopefully after reading your stuff, you have a sense of humor. If you like to read funny things check out my blog, it’s fairly new so feel free to tell your friends: http://choaticsoulz.wordpress.com/ thank you!

  2. Simply the best post EVER (and I read em all), so delightfully pithy, thanks for sharing – have a lovely Friday

  3. Professor….as a former slacker in college I applaude your post. It took one or 2 great professors to finally smarten me up so I could get through….you are indeed making a difference!

    • You smartened yourself up – your professors just guided you in the process. I do feel like I am making a difference – and my students think I am so nice because they don’t get answers like these from me!

  4. It’s hilarious because its true.

  5. Katy, I didn’t realize that you had my son in your class! Or that he was even taking nursing classes. Your statement “You pay a bunch of money” isn’t true at all — “Your parents pay a bunch of money and you continue to blow it off.”

    And since I do drugs for a living, I hope you do flunk anyone who can’t figure the math of dosages. Please.

    • Oh, how could I forget the parents (and their money)? Thanks, Mom and Dad. It has been a real pleasure.

      I wish I could fail every student who says “the doctor orders it and the pharmacy sends it – why do I have to calculate it?”. Every last one of them.

  6. Hahaha. Tell ’em! I always chuckle when the freaky Facebook girls act timid in real life.

  7. I so wish you were my professor this semester! OH, Katy. I just cringe at the other students in my class. I kid you not, almost one third of my anatomy and physiology 1 class have dropped out after midterms. These are our future nurses, respiratory therapists, etc. Scary.0

    My lab partner is 18 (wants to be a nurse) and I overheard her whining to our teacher that her lectures “just don’t make sense to her” and she “really, really REALLY needs to get her D grade up to a B or she’ll have to retake the class!” And really, my professor is more than fair, she’s very generous with her grading. I felt like telling my lab partner, “Uh, maybe you should try actual studying?” At my age, I study too much just to make sure I know the material. ( and might be why I’m doing so well??)

    • You just might be on to something, there, Darl-ingale. Our admission process is very competitive, and students have to have good grades just to get in. But then we start to require them to think instead of just merely recognizing a correct answer – and those students who have been 4.0 students all their lives start dropping like flies.

      I wish I could be your professor, as well. My most favorite students are older, wiser, and do not expect to be spoon-fed information or expect that regurgitated (or plagiarized) information will get them a good grade. Those who have relied on technology for their knowledge (instant “look-up” and not having to commit anything to memory) seem to do the worst in nursing classes.

      Is your semester over? I have just a final to administer on Monday, then I’ll be gearing up for the next round.

  8. Funny and all too true. Emailed the post to my sister (a high school music teacher) Your answers are spot on what most teachers wish they could say. Glad you’re making a difference!

  9. I still have nightmares that I have a final, but never went to class. One semester, I showed up to take a final, but no one was there. I finally found the exam across campus. The prof had already projected the slides so I automatically lost 20% of my grade. I was devastated. I am sure you would have been more compassionate…… 🙂

  10. Can I tell you I considered writing something just like this for my own blog, however, since this is my last semester, I decided against it. This is freaking hilarious. Thank you so much for letting me live vicariously. Good to know we all suffer with this creeping crud. *head desk*

    • Glad you enjoyed. I wondered what that thudding sound was – it was teachers/professors/instructors heads hitting the desk. Fortunately for me, papers are piled elbow deep so there is a little cushioning.

  11. WSW

    This is genius. Pure pleasure. Thank you.

  12. I want to know what genius artist drew Professor k8edid. Perfect!

    Don’t you wish you could actually respond to people like this? And they say there’s no such thing as a stupid question – HA!

    • She does bear a striking resemblance, no? Especially the crazed eyes.

      I do wish I could respond to people like that – especially the question about the final. If I find it important enough to spend most of a class period discussing, demonstrating, re-iterating and outlining…it’s a pretty good bet.

  13. BAM! That is one of the best blog post endings I’ve ever read. I love this. I’m glad you don’t take any of that sh*t. “Will that class be easier?” HA!

    I hope your liquor cabinet is well stocked. Crikey. I’d probably start drunk-replying to all of those emails, though…

  14. I can’t believe these are actual emails/questions you’ve received! Actually… I can. But still?! Your responses are great, by the way. Please say that you sent those out for real? 🙂

  15. Oh Katydid – you know my anguish, except I am at an alternative HS. That means students have a hard time doing the basics expected at the regular HS. Like being courteous, respectful, and trying to get into the spirit of things.
    I finished our first marking period (MP) last Friday. Grades due Monday and all new courses starting on Monday as well. Add to that we teachers were observed by our district Supt. yesterday, TH. The first week of the MP!

    That also meant that we all had to basically write papers and reflections, along with lesson plans and unit plans last week for our “evidence binders” which had to be done last Friday. That’s the new evaluation system in our district since last year.

    It’s almost the same work as passing a grad class, I swear, the amount of true thinking and writing required.

    So now it’s Friday, I lived through the past two weeks from hell and lived to tell about it.

    You know my heart – your replies I wish I could say to these little entitled-manipulators. Geez!!!!

    Loved the post. Hope I get one pulled together one of these days!
    Will you visit MI for the holidays?

    Merry, Merry Christmas to you 🙂

  16. I didn’t realize my son took any nursing courses, oh never mind you mentioned math. That must be it he took math from you! Good for you to fail him, I would have as well he was such a slacker I reduced his allowance twice.

    Please tell me you don’t really get these ridiculous notes from your students. Really? Gad how do you go on without just handing out ‘F’s’ at the beginning of the course and telling them they have to work up from there.

    • These are actual questions my students have asked…just the crazy ones I could remember. I’m going to start writing them down. The only thing that keeps me from failing the majority of them is the few who sparkle and shine. The real gems.

  17. Back in my day, we kept the stupid questions to ourselves. Not every advance in technology is an advance for every one of us.

    • I know…I would not have dreamed of approaching one of my professors with some of this drivel. I think the ones asked face-to-face are harder to deal with. At least with the texted or e-mailed ones, I have time to prepare an appropriate (not likely to get me fired) response. The young man who asked if I had MS was just so earnest and concerned. I just wanted to laugh right out loud (he was concerned because I reminded of him mother – just what every woman wants to hear – and she has MS). I guess it could have been worse – I could have reminded him of his grandmother…the one with Alzheimers.

  18. Absolutely brilliant! If I hadn’t been a college professor I would have thought you were making up these questions.
    I once had a student say that she would only read up to 10 pages per week and so I shouldn’t assign any stories longer than that. (This was a literature class, btw.)

  19. The performance anxiety part made me snort. I think it’s a curse that no matter how many times you communicate assignments, students will always ask stupid questions.

  20. When I took Anatomy & Physiology as my science requirement (note I picked it because I thought it had no labs – what a mistake), I would never have dreamed of asking my professor for anything. If my fingers weren’t totally cramped up by the end of class (before laptops), then I didn’t take enough notes. If I didn’t study 4 nights a week till midnight I wasn’t prepared for the dissection labs. I was thrilled when she gave us some advice on the final exams where she told us to read the questions very carefully, sometimes there might be a bit of a trick in them.

  21. Don’t you wish you could respond to them just as in your post? Go on. Revel in the madness, wrapped in humour, with a dash of what the hell just this once. (-: I have one semester between me being a graduate student – nurse educator. Thanks for the prep. You had me roaring with laughter.

    • Oh, the things you’ll hear!!!I really do enjoy teaching, but at this point in the semester my humor is worn a little thin…wrap up that last semester and join me in the trenches!

  22. Oh hysterical! A school librarian was just asked by a student if she (the librarian) could tell him where and when his final exam was taking place. The librarian asked him when his class usually met. He said he wasn’t sure…in the morning, maybe.

  23. Your post is priceless. Thank you.

  24. laughing all the way

    Two of my own personal favorites:
    1) at the start of each semester i tell them what is expected in study time each week, etc. after midterm, a student came to my office and said “was I supposed to be studying every week?”
    2) after a pharmacology test a student bombed, she came to my office. I asked her how she prepared for the test. She said, “well I was at a christian camp, so I prayed alot.” I am not religious, but my colleague who is said that i should have told her that god helps those who help themselves.

    much needed read at the end of a semester.

  25. Doc

    Great stuff! I feel your pain. I had 2 students just yesterday before a lab final ask if they could take the lab quiz they both missed (one was the ride for the other) from 2 weeks ago! I told them no! Why didn’t they take it last week (another lab that they blew off) instead of leaving earlier (the lab follows the lecture class)? The response was, “if they knew they should have taken it last week they would have stayed!” Does that even make any sense? Of course they knew! I had reminded them in lecture last week! It’s like Catch-22; they left because they didn’t think of taking the quiz that was already a week late but would have stayed if they knew that they had to take it??? Uh? So they didn’t need to go in the first place? Too much! Even the rest of the class was rolling their eyes!

  26. After grading final exams yesterday, the I.M.S. response was particularly poignant. I had two students calculate that they would set in IV pump to infuse 755,788 mL/hr. I don’t even know if you would do that for an elephant or humpback whale.

  27. Delightful! And oh this makes me miss teaching (in that twisted way that teachers miss teaching)! 😉

    Glad to see you’re back at it!

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