It’s Not the Heat…

It’s the freakin’ hot flashes.  It is kind of like spontaneous human combustion, without the flames.

I know.   I live in a place that is nearly hotter than the surface of the sun (hey, it’s my blog and it’s as hot as I say it is).  This is Florida.  This is my outdoor thermometer…

This was before noon

Okay, so maybe I exaggerate… a little.  I also digress.  I’m having a little difficulty concentrating.

September is National Menopause Month.  Yep, a whole month dedicated to the phenomena that befalls “women of a certain age”.  Instead of stretching out my commentary over the whole month, I have decided to dedicate just one day  to a discussion of menopause.

You’re welcome.

Jodi, over at Jodileasplace, lists 17 reasons why her man should live in fear, which looks suspiciously like the signs and symptoms of menopause.

• Irregular menstrual periods
• Hot flashes and night sweats
• Disturbed sleep patterns, insomnia
• Anxiety
• Significant mood changes
• Depression
• Dry skin
• Irritability
• Vaginal dryness and pain with sexual intercourse
• Difficulty concentrating
• Trouble remembering things
• Diminished interest in sex
• Frequent urination or leaking of urine
• Headaches
• Achy joints
• Fatigue
• Early morning awakening

I can clearly identify with 15 of the 17.  I’m not saying which ones, but I am not now, nor have I ever been irritable, damn it.  And nothing leaks out that I don’t want to leak out, got that?

The only thing missing from this list is the ever present chin hairs that seem to have sprouted. When combined with the age related loss of close-up vision, I’m surpised I don’t look something like this.

Denise, over at Just as I am blogged about the joy of chin-hair plucking….

So while I am lying awake most nights, drenched and throwing covers and nightgowns off, irritably pondering my deepening depression and dry skin, I ask myself, is there an upside to menopause?  Surely there must be something good that will come of this “change” that will be beneficial to me and the millions of women suffering experiencing this torture passage?  When I stumbled upon this little tidbit…

Chocolate (in the news a lot lately) can be beneficial for women in menopause.  That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

And this, from Time Magazine.

“…For most women, the “change of life” is not an easy one. The symptoms of menopause–mood swings, hot flashes and night sweats–can be intense, not to mention embarrassing, and in many cases they can interfere with daily life.

But there may be a healthy upside to those hot flashes, according to the latest research. It turns out that women who have these episodes in their 50s or 60s, the typical age range for menopausal symptoms, also have an 11% lower risk of heart disease over the next 10 years, compared with women who don’t suffer the same symptoms. And because heart-disease risk increases in women’s postmenopausal years as levels of the heart-protective hormone estrogen decline, this risk reduction is potentially lifesaving. Researchers don’t know why the symptoms may reduce heart risk, but they theorize that the blood-vessel activity that occurs during flushing primes the heart and vessels to combat plaque buildup and hardening of arteries.

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2056704,00.html#ixzz1YEvG8WTM

Why, that’s fabulous news.  It’s almost better than actually exercising!!!

For now my plan of attack includes mass quantities of chocolate, a powerful electric fan in every room, and olive oil (not for my heart, silly, for my skin).

Who knows, maybe someday, menopause will become glamorous.