K8EDID’s Incredibly Tasteless Greeting Cards

I'm sure my next career will be writing verses for these. Photo credit: Wikipedia

Recently I penned this little ditty for Darla, over at She’s A Maineiac  to use in a greeting card she could hand to her husband during one of their “discussions”.

I love you, dear
And I don’t want to fight.
But if you can’t help or listen
Get out of my sight.

Darla is an award winning author and proud owner of the coveted “Green Jacket”.    She has even done her own  Greeting Card Post If you haven’t visited her site – go now.  I’ll wait. 

Zzzzzzzzz.  Snort.  Cough.  Okay, Okay.  I’m glad you could tear youself away…I didn’t think you were going to spend the whole day over there, but hey, I understand (sniff, sniff).  She’s good (sigh).  What? You have to go? Nooooooooooooooooo….

I am in a particularly funky rhyming mood, so I thought I would take this opportunity to offer to write a little ditty for any greeting cards you may need.  Also, I would do just about anything to avoid finishing my taxes, cleaning the house, or exercising.

Just post your request in the comment section and I’ll see if I can whip up a little rhyme for your greeting card (Stick figure illustrations available for a nominal fee or chocolate, preferably dark, preferably not an earless hollow chocolate bunny).

Here are just a few examples:

FOR MY DOG:

Snoring Dog during the day, fierce protector by night. Photo credit: k8edid

I love you Shelby

You know that’s right.

But you’re shelter-bound

If you keep barking all night.

FOR THE IRS:

Form 1040A, 2005, page 2

Form 1040A, 2005, page 2 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  

Listen, Jerks.

This isn’t funny.

Quit screwing around

And send back my money.

FOR THE EASTER BUNNY:

 Thanks for the candy

It went straight past my lips.

Now it will spend

Twenty years on my hips.

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51 Comments

Filed under General Mumblings, humor, Poems, Poetry and Poem-etry

51 responses to “K8EDID’s Incredibly Tasteless Greeting Cards

  1. hee hee I love this, and I remember Darla’s greeting card post was fab, too!

    As for your next subject… you touched on it above, and I’d love to see a rhyme – Exercise!

    • Exercise daily – Dr.’s orders.
      Too many “4th Meals” and “Run for the Border”s.
      Up at dawn, to Git R Done
      Sweating and grunting – this surely ain’t fun.

      So just try out this new exercise plan
      Just do it daily – the best that you can
      Aeroic laughing, strenous keyboard pounding
      Snack pantry clearing – Like the way this is sounding?

      Twelve ounce curls followed by Beer Nut tossing.
      Cardio plate cleaning and vigorous flossing.
      Arm wrestle for the remote, strike Yoga pose
      Done from the recliner from which you repose.

  2. Love poetry with a kick at the end, a little zinger. Yours are perfect, loved ’em!

    I had another greeting card installment ready to post, it was about Rush Limbaugh (Cards from Rush) and his empty apologies but I thought it’d be too dark so I chickened out.

    As for ideas for you, how about one of these:
    A card for family get-togethers (Easter dinner etc.)
    A card for blogger addiction ( you may have already done that one?)

    • Oh, I’d love to read Rush’s apologies.

      I did a poem “Damn You Blank Page“, about writer’s block (what writer doesn’t write something about writer’s block – sometimes ad nauseum?) and a post about a 10 step program for blogoholics (but not a poem)

      Give me a minute…gotta add line 47 to line 63, subtract line 44 and divide by line 3a. I hate taxes.

      • Ugh. On the plus side (get it? huh? no? ok) April 15th is our 12th wedding anniversary. whoohoo. Does that help make that day any less miserable for you, Katy? (sorry, I tried)

      • Oh, Happy Anniversay (early). It is also my little granddaughter Stephanie’s birthday…thanks for reminding me to look for happiness amidst the pile of crap that is my tax burden.

    • EASTER DINNER

      Easter Dinner – please join us on Sunday
      It will be great – a family fun day!
      Uncle George will show up, his fly unzipped
      Cousin Hank in a wife-beater, looking anything but ripped.

      Great-grandma will forget her hearing aids again.
      Sister Suzie will endlessly remind us of the wages of sin.
      Cousin Frankie will take little nips from his flask.
      Which young stud will Aunt Dora bring? – Honey, don’t ask.

      Little nieces and nephews will be running and screaming.
      Wine from a box, will be endlessly streaming.
      Out in the kitchen, flush-faced cooks will be a-bustling.
      From deep in the den, the men-folk will start rustling.

      The milling crowd will gather ’round tables of food.
      Some graciously will be seated, others will be rude!
      Finally when all are seated, prayers will be earnestly spoken.
      Hands held round the table – a family circle unbroken.

    • Oh, friends, if you have not seen She Speaks Easter humor post

      http://motleynews.net/2012/04/06/easter-humor/

      Go now. You will laugh – I spewed coffee all over my keyboard.

  3. Wow – these are gr8, k8!

    I was going to request one for the taxman, then I saw your excellent offering. I just started mine yesterday, can’t find a form I need and I can’t go on. I can’t do these taxes. I can’t, I won’t, and you can’t make me!!!!

    May I have a childish temper tantrum poem please?

    • PEG-O-LEG’S TAX FIT

      Why must I do this onerous task?
      Why must I be tortured? I just want to ask.
      I simply won’t do it, I’ll throw a big fit.
      And stomp away in an indignant snit.

      You do it – I can’t. I steadfastly refuse.
      I’ll go off the deep end – end up on the news.
      I’ll scream and I’ll rant, and throw things about.
      I’ll curse and I’ll kick, I’ll wail and I’ll shout.

      I just don’t want to – you really can’t make me.
      So please stop nagging – you’ll never break me.
      I’m not going to do it – it just won’t get done.
      To hell with the taxes – I’m off to have fun.

      • Or – there is this one…

        Dear Mr. Tax Man, a form I do need.
        For just this one thing I most humbly plead.
        Do you think this year I could just have a “Pass”?
        No? Well then, Buddy, you can just kiss my A$$.

      • Whoo hoo! I bow down to the maestro – you’re so fab!

        Commencing with kicking the floor and holding my breath til I turn blue in appreciation.

      • Katy, I STILL haven’t done my taxes. Tell me to stop goofing off here and get moving! Tell me that grownups do their taxes and don’t hang around other people’s insanely funny poetry nonsense! (Tell me something good, wa wa… tell me, tell me, tell me… )

    • Now Pegoleg, darling, listen here!
      Let me make this perfectly clear.
      You’re a big girl now – responsible and such.
      So we don’t appreciate your tantrums so much.

      Sharpen your pencil, dig out the receipts.
      Don’t keep us all on the edge of our seats.
      Knuckle down and Git ‘R Done.
      Then you can relax and have some fun!

      So put on your big girl panties and then
      Make like you’re a patriotic citizen
      Avoid getting Uncle Sam all riled.
      Get those danged taxes filed.

  4. Oh, I would love to have a poem for someone with a job promotion! (as you know…..) or for three little granddaughters ages 5, 3 and 1, whose birthdays are April 21, 27, and May 3. All in the same family.

    You never fail to amaze.

    • All right, then. Do you want them personalized? If so let me know names (I know your husband’s from your post)…birthdays all together or separate? I will try to keep the children’s from being totally tasteless.

      • Actually, that’s not his real name.
        They don’t have to be personalized, and whatever you want as to together, separate, etc. Your challenge, your rules!

      • NEW JOB! NEW JOB!

        Oh Happy Day – Let’s show some emotion!
        Looks like someone is getting a promotion.
        Hard work and dedication pay off – eventually
        May your new job be everything you want it to be.

      • THREE SISTERS’ BIRTHDAYS

        Three pretty girls, who soon will be
        Having their birthdays – Yes, all three!
        One will be five, the middle one three.
        And one year old the youngest will be.

        So much to celebrate, as the birthdays near
        Three sweet little girls, their faces so dear.
        Three darling sisters – their laughter so merry.
        Will certainly wear out the old Birthday Fairy.

  5. Kathy

    I would like a poem about the endless drive from Florida to Michigan. We are home.

    • Finally home, off the highway at last.
      Our little vacation went by way too fast
      So many miles to drive – the trip is too long
      Nanny & Bumpa- it is JUST WRONG.

      Better move back so the trip won’t be required.
      So just quit your jobs – or maybe get fired.
      Then haul your butts back to the Mitten State.
      We’ll be right here – where we’ll patiently wait.

  6. thank you Kate
    This really was funny
    Next time skip the card
    And just send the money. 🙂

    love your witty post. continue…

  7. OMG, these are hysterical. Can’t wait to run over to She’s a Maineiac.
    Hugs,
    Kathy

  8. For some reason the greeting card link isn’t working for me.
    Hugs,
    Kathy

    • Don’t know what happened
      My fingers must have slipped
      A couple of characters
      Seem to have flipped.

      It’s working now
      So go visit the Maineiac
      You’ll quickly discover
      She’s quite the brainiac.

  9. But if the IRS didn’t take your money, then how would the government fund the organization that takes your money?

    Happy Easter.

    By the way, if Joeseph hadn’t gone into town under government orders, this holiday might not even be possible.

    I liked your post very much.

    • Government has its hand
      In everything throughout this land
      They tell us how to drive and think,
      Where to park – when we can drink.
      There isn’t much the G-men can’t take
      Of the dollars we work so hard to make.

      I still hate taxes……

  10. HaaaHAaaaaa !!!

    You must quite your day job, girlfriend ❤

    FABbbbbb. xx

    • Well, look who’s here! Say Hi everyone.
      Kim’s stopped by to join in the fun.
      I’m so glad you think I am funny
      I’d quit my job – But I do need the money.

  11. Seriously – between your creation and the comments… the talent is overwhelming. Sheer awesomeness.

    • Lenore, dear, I’ve overwhelmed you, I did!
      For such is the talent of ‘ole k8edid.
      Sheer Awesomeness is hard to top –
      So maybe it’s time that I just stop!!!

  12. You are on a roll! I hope there is a club with an “Open Mike” Night around you. You’d kill, Baby, and I mean it! 🙂

    • Open Mike Night – always a blast!!!
      I’ve done that sort of thing in the past.
      “You’d Kill” is the most unique praise I’ve had
      I hope it’s not because my poems are SO bad.

  13. tsonoda148

    LOVED the post and all the comments! Fun Fun! You got me to smiling and I sure needed that today. Thanks!

    • Terri, Terri – Where have you been?
      I sure have missed you, my friend.
      I’m so glad glad I could make you smile
      Next time, won’t you stay awhile?

      I wish things were going better for you
      And that there was something I could do
      For now just know I’m with you in spirit
      I’m sending my love – can you hear it?

  14. #1 Son

    Mother, O’ Mother
    Incubator of my brother
    Why the incessant rhyme?
    Have you lost your mind?

Talk to me.

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